It is my hope that over the past week, you’ve been listening closely to the scripts you’re using in your head, paying special attention to your word choices and the types of beliefs you have created through them.
Have you noticed any patterns? Is there anything in those patterns that could be affecting how you are feeling physically and emotionally?
It’s important that when you recognize negative thought patterns that you have been clinging to, you become your own best friend and cheerleader, and encourage yourself to let go of them.
I have worked with women going through divorce who have told me they had never taken the time to listen to what they were saying to themselves. And boy, when they did! Well, they were shocked that they had some repetitive loops going around in their head—and they weren’t the most pleasant loops to be stuck on.
In many cases, they were being exceptionally hard on themselves. Or, they were dwelling on events in the past that were made bigger than what they truly were, and their perception of a past event now colored their perception of today.
There’s a technique that I successfully coached these women to use, and it was this:
Take a spectator’s stance.
You know how it is. When something happens to you, it’s an intimate occurrence. You passionately see it through a mix of emotions, fears, past experiences and memories. But if a friend happened to witness these same events, they would have a more dispassionate view of the event and its meaning. Not that they don’t care, but they are one step back and removed from it all, not looking at it so intimately with emotions involved.
Let’s take one example that can happen during the process of divorce. Maybe you think, “My ex really made out—he really won in that settlement! I was the true loser in this whole deal.”
This thought can become a loop inside your head. All day long you are repeating this idea to yourself, or some variation of it. Before you know it, you have succumbed to a victim mentality, that not only did you lose in this deal, but you are really on the short-end of the stick now.
Notice I didn’t say you had become a victim. Rather, a victim to a mentality, to a set of words that you have talked yourself into believing.
Now play devil’s advocate and step outside of your own situation. Step back and look at the divorce settlement, as if it has happened to someone else. Look at the facts, and the reasons behind any decisions that were made. Disconnect any emotions attached to these facts or that try to spring up as you go over them, and just review the story without commentary.
How does it feel to look at an event and see it for its facts, without the emotion-laden commentary running next to it? It’s a whole new perspective, isn’t it!
Of course, I don’t recommend that you try to lead a passionless life – to not feel the gamut of emotions that are your birthright. What I encourage you to do is monitor your thoughts and feelings, and see how they are affecting you. If you find patterns that are somewhat destructive, try this technique to look at the trigger event from a spectator’s point of view.
 This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club.
“It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” |
