It’s always good to ‘check ourselves out’ periodically. Every once in a while, if we look back on things that happened and review how we reacted in those situations, we can learn a lot about what makes us ‘tick’. Knowledge is power, and power gives us control … Just think about how strong you feel when you believe you’re in control of a situation!
Recovering From Divorce
So – in the spirit of greater control – here are some ways a person can react to and recover from divorce.
Right after divorce people often respond in extremes – either passively or actively.
When your response is passive, you withdraw into yourself. (In extreme cases, withdrawal can grow into total isolation.)
Overwhelming negative emotions, like:fear of what the future may (or may not) bring,
—– feeling overcome by lack of self-confidence,
—– suffering anxiety about ability to handle life
—– make isolation a safety net. People, in effect, lock themselves in a state of anguish.
On the other hand, when response to divorce is active, a woman responding negatively can literally be taking out her pain on herself. People operating this way are more likely to act in uncontrollable ways. Food bingeing, alcohol abuse, even drug abuse are not unusual in these situations.
A woman – let’s call her ‘Anna’ (not her real name) – in one of my divorce coaching clubs told us that in the beginning, she felt she simply needed help getting through the day. So every day, she had a glass of wine mid-day (“just to calm her stress”, she said). Then she added another glass before dinner and it felt so good, she added still another glass during dinner …… and more and more – until she was drinking at least a bottle of wine a day!
Anna’s pain was so great, and her sense of self was so low, that she was actively reacting to her divorce in the extreme. Her behavior had her on a road to self-destruction. Fortunately, in time she realized the harm she was inflicting upon herself and sought professional help.
Know that reacting to divorce in non-positive ways is very normal. However, it’s very important to monitor the degree and frequency of these behaviors. Monitoring her own behavior is how Anna came to realize she needed professional intervention.
Healing Emotional Wounds
Divorce leaves emotional wounds. Those wounds are real, painful and can be outright disabling. Healing those wounds is faster and easier when you have help.
Acknowledge the fact that it’s natural to need comfort at this time. Women are so accustomed to taking on the role of comfort-‘giver’, we often find it difficult to be the person on the receiving end. It’s even harder to be the one who has to ask for it.
I encourage you to be brave enough to seek help from others. It’s O.K. to be taken care of for a while!
Keep in mind, too, that some people are so good at comforting, they do it professionally. Feel free to seek the help of a mental health professional and/or a life coach with whom you feel comfortable. These professionals are trained to help make your divorce recovery process a smoother one.
About the author:
Judy Smith is a coach whose 3-step program enables a divorced woman to create a fulfilling new life – in months, not years. Visit her website to find out more: www.Judysmithdivorcecoach.com
For a complimentary 20-minute telephone strategy session, send Judy an e-mail and let her know the best days/times for you to talk. Contact: Judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com She will be eager to speak with you!
