By Judy Smith, Divorce Coach
In Coping with Divorce: Change Your Brain -Change Your Life, I talked about how changing the way you think is a first step in the process of self-management. Now that we know you can change your brain, we know you can change your thinking by consciously using different (specifically worded) phrases to solve problems and achieve goals you might never have thought possible. Psychologist, Shad Helmstetter first labeled the concept ‘Self-Talk’. Later, he developed a program based on it.
Unfortunately self-talk is not a quick solution. New self-talk must be repeated over and over until it becomes a habit – until you don’t even notice that you’re doing it. Self-talk is usually done silently; however, repeating self-talk phrases out loud can be helpful as well.
Since self-esteem plays a huge role in our lives – let alone in helping us build new lives, I’ll give you some examples of a self-talk program geared to increasing self-respect.
The best way to get into the habit of using the right words and phrases is to use a practice script. Helmstetter gives examples:
- I am a very special person. I am intelligent. My mind is clever and fun.
- I am an interesting person. I like to be around other people, and other people like to be around me. People like to hear what I have to say.
- I appreciate all the blessings I have.
- I am warm, honest and sincere. All these things are me. I’m glad to be me.
In selecting the specific words for your program, decide on your goal and use words that describe how you would choose to be. Your new self-talk will ultimately replace the ‘old program’ in your head.
Re: self-esteem, consider your fresh self-talk as the new model of you that you are giving yourself!
When you first start out on a self-talk program, you will need to use your script for a number of weeks. You must get to know it well.
I have found it helpful to write personal phrases on note cards. So that you can practice the phrases over and over (Remember: the thoughts need to become habitual), I propose that you carry those cards around with you – in a pocket or purse, in the car, on your nightstand, and in any other spot where you are likely to see them multiple times each day.
Say the phrases out loud whenever you can. Silently, read the words written on the cards. Think the words quietly to yourself. Make a tape of the new self-talk phrases and listen to the tape over and over again.
Helmstetter suggests reading the phrases out loud while looking in the mirror. “Read the phrases rapidly and forcefully, he says. Let this be one of your new ‘motivational pep talks’ you give yourself!”
We have learned that if we want to change our lives in different ways, we must first change our thinking about those ways. …..You can learn to think of yourself as a strong woman – a woman moving on to a new stage of life. You can learn to take control and create your future.
So – no matter how distraught your divorce has left you right now – just imagine where your belief in yourself could lead you tomorrow!
I would like to lend whatever support and encouragement you want or feel you need.
For a complimentary 20-minute telephone ‘strategy’ session, just contact me for an appointment: Judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com I do look forward to speaking with you.
For more information on the Self Talk Solution, pick up a copy of the book.
{Helmstetter, Shad, Self – Talk Solution
