Because we’re in so much pain during and after divorce, we usually don’t even think about how our friends are reacting to it. Actually, your divorce has a major impact on your friends.
As a divorce coach, my clients tell me stories about friends’ resentment, grief, anxiety – even anger. Your divorce forces your friends to regroup and figure out how to build new relationships with the couple who are now uncoupled. Sometimes they’re not sure how to do it.
Your divorce can make your close friends feel insecure. They think, “If Mary and Jim are divorcing (and they looked like they had a great marriage), what about my marriage – with all its bumps?” “I wonder if my marriage may be at risk too.”
It’s common for friends of a divorcing couple to experience grief also. You mourn the death of your marriage; your friends mourn the death of this friendship. This is especially true if your marriage and friendship are long-term and your friends relate to you and your Ex as a couple. They think of you as Maryandbob, Sueandjohn. Friends may even resist the change. They think, “What about all the good times we had together? If they just got counseling, maybe they could stay together and our friendship would go on like it always was.”
Know that your friends find it tricky building new relationships with you and your Ex separately. You might divide up your friendships – or your friends may even choose sides. Either way, one of you slips out of your friends’ lives. Even trickier is trying to stay friends with both of you. Friends wonder, “Invite John or Sue to the party? Or, should I invite both of them and just let them sort it out?”
And then there’s the problem of “stepfriends” – yours or your Ex’s new significant other. Sometimes there’s outright dislike (She left Bob for him? It’s awkward because there’s no shared history: “He doesn’t know about that hilarious costume party we gave; he didn’t come to any of our combined family picnics, and he doesn’t know any of our mutual friends.”
It’s easy for your friends to want to compare a stepfriend to a former spouse. “He doesn’t have Bob’s sense of humor; she laughs too much.” Or a stepfriend is simply resented for taking your place – the place of their old friend.
If you experience divorce as an earthquake, the effect on your friends is the aftershock. Just being aware of the impact on your friends will help you to help them. At this traumatic time in your life, you both need support – just in different ways.
To find out more about support during and after divorce visit Judy Smith Divorce Coach and learn more about my Divorce Coaching Club.
