The best divorce recovery advice for women is probably the hardest to accept. The best advice any divorced woman can receive is this: put yourself first.
This divorce advice is hard to hear – and even harder to put into action. So many women are taught from an early age to be care givers. It’s not only in our nurture, it’s in our nature to care for the needs of others – to put others first.
For many women, the thought of putting ourselves first is labeled as “selfish” and “wrong”.
It’s at this point that the divorced woman needs to understand that there is a HUGE different between being selfish and self care.
One of the BEST word pictures I’ve ever heard that illustrates the truth in this essential piece of divorce recovery advice is the story of the missionary who visits a 3rd world village, ravaged by famine.
The missionaries arrive and are horrified by the condition in which they find the villagers. They get right to work preparing and distributing the food they’ve brought. As one missionary worker distributes the food, she gives her food to the starving villagers. After a few days of this, the missionary worker was no longer able to prepare food for the villagers. She also wasn’t able to fulfill her original mission which was to TEACH the villagers how to grow and prepare food for themselves.
This word picture was instrumental in helping me to clarify how important caring for myself is. I can’t care for my children if I don’t care for myself first. The burden is even greater once you’re divorced and find yourself in the role of the single parent.
In order to continue to care for those around you, it is absolutely crucial to put taking care of yourself at the top of the list. This doesn’t mean you quit caring for others – but it does mean giving your needs priority.
You may find this extraordinarily difficult – especially as you struggle to recover from your divorce. If you’re like most women, you spent the last few months or years of your marriage NOT taking care of yourself. You may think you’ve forgotten HOW to care for yourself.
You may need to join a divorce recovery support group to help you find your way back to a healthy place of putting your needs FIRST on your list of things to do.
Not surprisingly, some women find the mere act of finding a support group difficult – and the reason they resist is because they don’t have the “time”.
How you spend your time is a measure of how much value you place on the recipients of your valuable and limited time.
When you being to focus on your needs, you’ll find this kind of self-focus helps to build your confidence and self esteem. Engaging in even a minimal level of self care will cause your energy to increase.
Of course, no one is suggesting that caring for yourself means neglecting those around you. However, when you begin to engage in real self care, you’ll probably find that you’re being much more thoughtful and aware of others needs and feelings.
It may take time – and it will certainly take practice – but in the end, you’ll see a lot of positive effects from taking the time to take care of YOU! You deserve it!
