I have coached many divorced women and women going through a divorce who relate to me what they could have done, what they should have done, and what they would have done…
That’s like putting yourself in the spin cycle!
I’m not minimizing what these women are thinking in the least. I actually refer to the spin cycle when I’m with them, and they laugh. Because the truth is, we’ve all been there, and sometimes it takes someone else pointing it out in a humorous way to realize that we got stuck there.
When we are working through a painful or emotional experience, it’s actually worthwhile exercise to run the gamut of the other options and choices we could have made. We get to indulge our need to travel those different paths and the possible outcomes if we’d chosen them. And considering the options can even provide some release.
But when it goes beyond an exercise and into a thought-loop, we’re in trouble. You aren’t going to be able to change the past, or change the decisions you made. And if you could, who’s to say that the outcome you imagined would actually be any different, or any better for that matter?
When we get stuck in coulda, shoulda, woulda, we haven’t made our peace with what was, which allows us to live today with what is. When we’re stuck in that thought-loop, we’re trying to express emotions we haven’t come to terms with yet – for whatever reason.
In truth, it’s just plain difficult to work through emotions we’re experiencing, and reach the other side of them! I have worked with many women who describe it as remaining ‘lost’. They have a destination in mind of where they would like their life to be, but they have no idea how they’re going to get there. The good news is that I have coached these women through many forms of emotional agony and have helped them get to a point where they no longer reside in those feelings of defeat. They are proof, so to speak, of the fact that you can get the defeat and begin to live again.
Let me share with you what I have found over and over again in working with women who are stuck in coulda, shoulda; they feel overwhelmed. And that sense of overwhelm makes them feel weak. That feeling of weakness then colors their perception of all areas of their life: everything has a negative connotation attached to it, and nothing feels like it is in their control.
This in turn becomes that spin cycle. It can be so difficult to break free from it.
Here’s a tip to help in this situation: When you feel yourself “spinning”—reach out and “grab something solid”. You can do this by taking those thoughts, writing them down, and reframing them into something different. Use your journal to work through it.
1) Acknowledge that the event happened.
2) Write down your feelings attached to the event.
3) Go ahead and express what you coulda, shoulda, woulda—and the possible outcomes that may have occurred.
4) Put words to how you feel the event and the associated emotions are impacting your life today.
5) Elaborate on how the past had possibilities, but so does today and tomorrow—which you can take care of now.
By writing it out and analyzing your particular thought-loop situation, you will actually be taking away a bit of its power over your thought process. You can quit spinning and start living, moving forward with the experience you’ve gained through the process.
Let me know how it works out for you!
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 This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club.
“It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” |
