This question was put to two psychologists who shared their response with the San Luis Obispo Tribune.
Q: My wife and I have separated after 25 years of marriage. She keeps stressing that she wants an amicable divorce, yet I just can’t do that. I can’t get past the anger, resentment, or hatred for her for destroying everything that my life revolved around. I just can’t let it go. What do I do?
A: We have been discussing your question for days because it so clearly demonstrates the pain of divorce – and we wanted to make sure any answer we gave didn’t just sound like the pat answer, “go to counseling” – although, ultimately, that might be the right answer because a counselor will be able to help you navigate the emotions you are feeling.
We understand it sometimes takes time to get to where you even want to feel better. In the beginning, if you feel wronged, it’s not uncommon to be stuck in how wrong the other one was, and that you have a right to hate the other person.
But being right doesn’t make you feel better. In fact, it probably makes you feel worse because you absolutely cannot understand how someone you loved so completely ended up being so selfish and insensitive.
Recovery after a break-up is a process, not unlike recovery from addiction, because getting over a painful break-up takes time. As is the case with working toward sobriety, while the decision to get clean is often empowering, the process is long and hard. Some days are good and some are bad, which is why the “one day at a time” philosophy applies so well to coping with a break-up. Looking too far down the road can feel overwhelming – and that’s where it sounds like you are right now.
One of the most important things as you go through the process is to put on a stable face for your children (no matter their age) and for your colleagues at work. This does not mean you should act like nothing is wrong, but that you should not come off out of control. Your actions should say that the people who depend on you, can still depend on you, even though you are no longer living under the same conditions you did for years.
“Finally, when you are ready”, the counselors say, “we are confident counseling will help.”
……And I would like to add: engaging in divorce coaching at this time will be a major step on the road to a fulfilling new life after divorce!
 This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club.
“It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” |
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
A worthy article . Im not sure about ‘One of the most important things as you go through the process is to put on a stable face for your children (no matter their age) and for your colleagues at work. ‘. Whilst we want to ‘shield’ our children as much as possible during a relationship breakdown , it can be helpful, if handled ‘delicately’ to share ,at least at some level , how we are really feeling -not so as to ‘load our emotions’ onto our children, but at least show our children its ok to ‘share’what we are feeling
Kind Regards
James
After 25 years in a relationship, the ending, was swift as it was sudden…I am able to relate to the uncontrollable rage and anger, the pain that threatens your sanity and the feeling that all you thought you believed in was now a lie….councelling, three years of it, did help, although it was a struggle. Having to work through a belief system that refused to acknowledge “realities” of the relationship that just ended….was frustrating..and yet, after some time, a few changes began to occur. To anyone facing the death of a marriage, to those who would have done “anything” to make it work, where the choice of divorce was not mutual, one day at a time, and have an outlet for the rage, do not fear the fallout, cause it’ll come in one form or another, reach out for what you need…taking care of yourself, your needs, and the storm of emotions is number one….no one can ‘know’ how you feel, unless they are you, they can not understand if you do not let them in…but with caution, divorce tends to bring out the “lookie loos” who just want the “rag-mag” story, another reason why a councellor is much better… find your mantra…focus on what you do have control over, and know, this… “The farther you get from “what was” – the closer you get to “what is”.”
Its a terribly bumpy road, and if my journey is any indication, you never really heal, but you do learn to live in the world you now find yourself….don’t let someone elses choices take all of you….regardless of where you are, you are responsible for the steps you must take alone….build from it, don’t be buried by it…..
my first daughter finished high school and I have three more kids and I never wanted to bring anyone around them cause I didnt want anyone to hurt them but there dad did get someone Did I do wrong
This is “general” advice and as usual – it doesn’t apply in every situation. The level at which you share with others – whether they be children or co-workers – depends upon so many factors such as the maturity of the individuals and their situation.
Thanks for sharing James.