Recovering from divorce is indeed a process. This process predictably moves through a succession of stages. I’ll give you some description of them, so you have some idea of what you may experience or, perhaps, are already experiencing. Hopefully, by preparing for them you will be able to understand and, therefore, deal with the accompanying emotions more easily.
Shock is what happens right away – usually just after the divorce has been finalized. This is when numbness sets in. You are so absorbed in your loss, you almost feel like a zombie.
You may wonder if you’re strong enough to bear such a loss. I assure you that you are. In fact, you will not only survive, but with some focus on your part, you can realize that you will even thrive after divorce!
When you get beyond the shock of it all, and you really begin to feel your loss, you move into a state of grief. Bear in mind that you’re not just mourning the loss of your life partner, you’re mourning for all the things you did together and for all your dreams of a future together.
Grief is a quiet sort-of thing, but it can leave one feeling very distressed. It’s natural to want to conquer it or at least ignore it – but don’t let yourself succumb to those tendencies. You need to experience the grief. If you don’t, grief can return months – or even years later to worry you.
The next stage in the recovery process begins when we begin to analyze what went wrong. This is the stage of setting blame. It’s so very common to blame our pain on the person who caused the hurt. You may blame your husband. of course, or you may blame yourself.
The emotion most of us feel at this time is anger. It’s O.K. to feel angry at the loss of love. It’s O.K. to yell and scream (when you’re alone and the window are shut). Now is a good time to play a sport that requires hitting hard: tennis, soccer and volleyball, for example, can offer lots of release. This kind of release helps keep a handle on the build-up of stress too.
Another good way to handle anger is to quickly reroute it elsewhere. That is, get involved in an activity or a pleasurable project that will help redirect your angry thoughts and focus them on more positive things.
When you get beyond the blaming, when you’ve worked through your anger, you advance to the stage of resignation. Now is when you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is indeed over. That man, now your ex-husband, is no longer in your life.
Your task at this stage is to completely detach yourself from your former husband. You want to make sure you don’t continue to invest your time and energy in thoughts about him. Now is when you want to focus on the life ahead of you – to rebuild the life you want.
Finally, you arrive at the most exciting stage of all – rebuilding. Once you’ve actively begun to rebuild your life, you will experience those negative emotions fading. Here, at last, you are at a point where you realize that you have more happy days than sad days. You realize that while your marriage has ended, your life has not.
In the aftermath of divorce the emotional pain often feels unbearable. However, we humans have an amazing power to ‘keep on keeping on’. It is this human ability to endure emotional trauma that helps all of us survive.
However, I urge you to not just settle for surviving. Keep growing, and you will thrive!
| Judy Smith is a coach whose 3-step program enables a divorced woman to create a fulfilling new life – in months, not years. Visit her website to find out more: Judysmithdivorcecoach.comJudy says, “I would like to give you whatever advice and encouragement you feel you need. For a complimentary 20-minute telephone session, send me an e-mail and tell me the best days/times for you to talk: Judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com I do look forward to speaking with you! |
