Copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved
If you are in the process of a divorce, or if your divorce was final in the previous year, this may be the first holiday season you have had to consider whether or not to buy a gift(s) for your ex-spouse, from the children. For parents of young children, they will need your help making or purchasing a gift for the other parent.
If your divorce process has left you feeling bitter towards your ex-spouse you may not feel like buying anything for him/her from the children. Before you decide or announce there is no way you will be purchasing a gift for your children to give the other parent, please consider the following:
- You are setting precedence for the future. If you do not have a gift for the other parent, then don’t expect them to help the children buy or make a gift for you.
- When you decide you are not helping your children with a gift for the other parent, financially and/or physically, what message are you giving your children? Whether you like it or not, your ex-spouse is still their parent. This is when you need to put your ill feelings aside. For the children’s sake, you need to support them with their desire to give the other parent a gift.
There are many ways to approach gifts for your ex-spouse, whether it is the holidays, birthday, or Father’s Day. This can vary depending on the age of the child, your financial budget and personality of the child. Some children put a lot of thought into their gifts and want to go shopping and pick out the gift. Other children are artistic and creative and enjoy making gifts. Some children prefer you go buy a gift and let them know what you bought.
Divorce Recovery Advice: 7 Ideas for how to handle gifts for your ex-spouse
- Make a gift – This can be as simple, inexpensive or complicated as you want to make it. Your child can draw, paint or color a picture for the other parent and frame it. You can go to your local craft store and buy a craft kit or get ideas and buy the supplies to make something. Often times these gifts mean the most. Let your child make a card to go along with the gift.
- Picture of your child(ren) – Go have your child’s picture taken at a local photography studio. There are many relatively inexpensive options available. You might also take your own photo or make a copy of a good photo you have already taken. Frame the picture. Makes a great gift.
- Ask your child – Your child may have an idea of something they would like to buy the other parent. Children may not have a concept of money and how much things cost. If a child wants to buy something expensive, you may have to compromise. Possibly you can purchase a gift card to put towards the purchase. The child could put a note with the gift card letting the other parent know their idea of how to use it.
- Set a dollar amount – Determine the amount of money each child can spend and then take them to a store or mall to pick out what they would like to buy.
- Make suggestions – Depending on the age and personality of the child, you could suggest ideas based on the other parent’s interests. You may have ideas that the child might not think of on their own. You can offer several options so the child feels like they made the decision.
- Buy a gift card for an activity – Maybe there is an activity that your children enjoy doing with the other parent and you could buy a gift card towards that activity. I live in Colorado. My ex-spouse is an experienced skier. A couple of years we bought him gift cards to a ski store/rental shop to encourage him to take the kids skiing.
- A coupon book – Have your child make a coupon book for the other parent with things they might do for them. They could offer to clean, cook their favorite meal, be nice to a sibling, wash the car, mow the lawn, give a massage, do the laundry, breakfast in bed, drive a sibling to an activity, free babysitting, take care of the dog for a week, to name just a few possibilities.
This is really a time for you to put aside any anger or bitter feelings you may have toward your ex-spouse. For your children’s sake you need to support them in their desire to give their other parent a gift. This is about doing the right thing for your children and taking the high road.
You decide what you can afford and set a reasonable amount to spend. You do not need to match dollar for dollar what your ex-spouse may spend on you. Hopefully your ex-spouse will help the children make or buy you a gift. If not, you still let your children give him/her the gift(s) they purchased/made.
After you get through this holiday season you will know better how to handle the next one. I hope you will find these tips helpful.
 Shelley Grieser is a Christian Life Coach specializing in Divorce. She works with men and women across the country who are on their path to recovery from divorce, to empower them to create a future they truly desire.
Please visit her website at: http://www.ahopefilledfuture.com for more information. |
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Excellent list of ideas! I can well remember how difficult this was for me…but in reality the difficult thing is to get out of your own head/heart and into the head/heart of your child(ren). Not easy to do…especially when the separation/divorce is fresh. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.