We know there’s no quick fix to anger and grief, but there are steps toward a more satisfying life that you can choose to take. The key word here is Choice.
Choosing happiness
Getting from divorce, the bottom step – to happiness, the pinnacle of the climb, starts with your determination to not think like a victim. Motivational expert Stephen Covey says, “Between what happens to us and our response is the power to choose our response.” Happiness doesn’t depend so much on what happens to you, but on how you choose to deal with what happens to you.
Change Your Thinking; Change Your Life
To be sure, the divorce recovery process takes time. However, if you can consciously change your way of thinking you will gradually begin to picture yourself in a new way, and ultimately, be able to reinvent yourself. Then you will be in control and thus, can take your life anywhere you choose.
How To Do It
Begin control of your thinking with a view of your thoughts – not as you – but as an inner voice gliding through your head. In that sense, you are a listener, not the voice itself. As the listener, you can shape the nature of that negative voice and choose to listen to a more positive one. It’s a process.
The Three-Step Process
- First, identify the thought; that is to say, become aware of what you’re thinking.
- Next, figure out the nature of the thought.
- ‘Argue’ with yourself. Give yourself alternative thoughts to counter the negative ones that cause you pain.
Example -
Identify the thought:
After a divorce some women begin to think, “I’m not worth much, or “I’m not worth anything”.
Identify the nature of the thought:
The name of the process in this case is Filtering …..focusing on negative aspects and filtering out positive ones.
‘Argue’ with yourself
—that you have positive traits as well. For instance, you could think,” I may not be so young and carefree now, but I sure have a lot to offer!”
Example -
Identify the thought:
“My life is awful now that I’m alone.”
The nature of the thought:
This process is called Polarized Thinking. Here, things are black or white; good or bad, etc. There is no middle ground.
Argue with yourself
–by thinking in percentages. For instance, “Actually, about ¾ of today was all right. Only about ¼ of it was problematic.”
Example –
Identify the thought:
“I can never balance my checkbook!”
The nature of the thought:
This process is called overgeneralization. In this case, one reaches a general conclusion based on a single incident, or just a few incidents. It comes down to exaggerating the frequency of particular problems.
Argue with yourself
– by asking for evidence. Think, “How many times have I actually not been able to do it?”
OR
“What do you mean ‘never’? There are very few absolutes in life.”
Example –
Identify the thought:
“They didn’t invite me to the dinner party because they’ll be uncomfortable, or think I’ll be uncomfortable as the only single in the group.”
The nature of the thought:
This process is virtual mindreading. In these cases you have certain knowledge about how people think and feel about you without their ever saying so.
Argue with yourself
- that to know the real reason, you’d actually have to check it out. Instead, you might think, “Perhaps they didn’t invite me because there was no more room at the their dining room table.”
Example -
Identify the thought:
“At this point in my life, it’s impossible to find a job; I have no experience.”
The nature of the thought:
This process is called, Magnifying. It means exaggerating the intensity of a problem.
Argue with yourself
- by recognizing that you have many transferable skills. You could look at it this way, “I am an intelligent woman with lots of life experience. I need to find a way to focus on those in a job search.”
Example –
Identify the thought:
“I know a woman should certainly not ask a man she knows to introduce her to one of his friends.”
The nature of the thought:
This process is one of a classic, “Should’s” or Shouldn’ts. Here you have a list of rules about how you and others should act. You feel uncomfortable or guilty when you break your ‘rules’. You often become angry when others break your ‘rules’.
Argue with yourself
- by giving yourself an alternative thought, “He might not know that I’m interested in meeting other men now; I can ask him to introduce me to one of his friends.”
Wouldn’t it be a relief to be able to think positive thoughts, instead of all those depressing ones?! …That’s why I focus much of my work on the six inches between the left ear and the right ear. – Change your brain, and you change your life!
| Judy Smith is a life coach whose 3-step program enables a divorced woman to create a fulfilling new life – in months, not years. Visit her website to find out more: www.Judysmithdivorcecoachcom Judy says; “Let’s outline your own strategy for moving ahead. For a complimentary 20-minute telephone session, send me an e-mail and tell me the best days/times for you to talk: Judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com I do look forward to speaking with you! |
