The emotional response to divorce can bring unwelcome, and often surprising, changes in how you react to situations.
Suddenly, you may find yourself lashing out in anger about things that before, wouldn’t have caused even a hitch in your day. Afterward, you may find yourself embarrassed or even a little shaken by your uncharacteristic response.
No one likes to feel out of control. And, this “new” way of reacting to situations doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it. (Or with the embarrassment that follows.) I’m going to share with you a strategy you can use each time you feel that fire-breathing dragon trying to take over, and it’s a strategy that can become your natural response.
1. Know your triggers.
Think about the past few times you’ve been angry. What was the situation you found yourself in? Was it a certain person, a certain place, or specific recurring event? Is there a time of day where you find yourself more likely to get angry?
2. Develop an early-detection system.
Once you have an idea of what triggers your episodes of anger, get in touch with how you feel just as you sense you’re about to blow. Do you tense up? Does your face become warm? Do your hands clench?
Once you are in touch with what can trigger an anger outburst and recognize your tell-tale physiological signs that the outburst is about to happen, you’re then ready to diffuse the reaction before it explodes.
3. Step back.
You may physically or mentally step back from a trigger situation. You could say to yourself, “Stop! 2, 3, 4…” and try a little smile. First, you’re smiling because you’ve already taken control of the situation. Second, a sense of humor can’t hurt when it comes to diffusing a tense situation—even within yourself. Also, a smile brings about a different physiological reaction than a frown or grimace. As for saying something like “stop,” you are halting your attention with a simple, prepared command, giving yourself a momentary reprieve for the next step.
4. Relax.
This is another point where an actual quiet, but strong self-command, “Relax!” can help you calm yourself enough that you have a chance to react differently to the situation at hand. You have heard the saying, “Cooler heads prevail”? Those adages are wise for a reason: they speak the truth.
5. Breathe deeply.
Draw in a steady, deep breath. This is the mind-body connection at its best. Your body takes its cue from your mind, or more accurately, signals from your brain. If you find yourself breathing in shallow fashion because you’re getting angry, it’s no wonder your body is tensing up. Your natural fight-or-flight response is kicking in. However, you’re not in mortal danger here. You’re just looking for a better way to respond to an anger-inducing situation, and a relaxing breath helps you to do it.
6. Imagine your way to calm.
As you breathe in deeply, let the air out in a steady, controlled manner. Imagine with each breath that you are reducing the fire in your belly, blowing cool air on it. This is a good imagery exercise for you to practice each day, multiple times a day. It’s a useful skill that you can use time and time again. And, once your body has been trained to relax with this simple ritual, it will respond naturally when faced with future moments of crisis.
Don’t bottle your anger. Find ways to diffuse it so it’s not pent up inside of you. Practice this strategy until you find your response to those old anger-inducing situations to be one of complete calm and cool-headedness. You have the strength to manage emotion and channel it in healthy ways.
 This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club.
“It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” |
