When you’re recovering from divorce, it’s tempting to “take a short cut” and simply put on a mask of happiness that isn’t really there.
This is common and isn’t just confined to recovery from divorce. When women place themselves behind a mask, it usually serves as a protective mechanism for them. The mask can be of many flavors, generally composed of what society deems “proper”: a smiling face, possessing inner strength, being happy and friendly. Some teenagers put up a mask that is in direct contradiction to this, a rebellion against society’s rules. That’s where the sour faces, dragging feet and standoffish come from—it’s a way to safely flaunt convention and test their identities!
But we get to an age where we aren’t sure how to safely test our real identities, and not look odd in the process. So, we stick to a picture that we think the world wants to see, and underneath, we feel lost behind that mask.
Read the following questions, and see if any ring true to you:
- Do you find yourself laughing and smiling, even when you aren’t really feeling it?
- Do you feel the need to be a “good” person, hiding any ugly thoughts you have?
- Is it vital that you always be seen as strong and capable to withstand any of life’s storms?
- Do you put on a tough act so others won’t cross you or try to take advantage of you?
These are common types of masks that women use, and they start to believe their own press! But the truth is, people around us aren’t always fooled, and see the mask for what it is. How about that: all of that effort being put out and no one is buying it—except you!
And in the process, you are losing sight of who you really are, possibly denying your feelings and emotions, and missing out on a deeper connection to your own humanity. It’s one thing to “fake it until you make it,” as it’s said, and quite another to tamp down the negative feelings you may have about yourself, avoiding issues that need resolution.
This is not to say that you should flaunt society’s conventions and let it all hang out here. There are certain rules in society that help us qualify as being “civilized,” and it’s important to observe the social niceties—it’s a favor we all do for one another.
For example, some days you may feel simply awful for one reason or another, and someone asks “Hello, how are you?” As a society, the “acceptable” response to those other than our closest friends and families is to say, “Fine, and you?” It’s a minor mask we put up, rather than go into a long dissertation on the state of our health or the aggravation we feel about a situation.
A major mask, however, is one that exhausts you to hold up. You feel a compulsion to not let it slip. You become panicked at the thought of people seeing what you feel is the unacceptable truth about yourself. There may be times where you don’t even feel real, working so hard to present that which is un-real.
That’s a sign that something isn’t working. When something is costing you dearly and giving nothing in return, it’s time to think about dropping the mask, and living authentically. It feels so much better!
 This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club.
“It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” |
