Divorce is difficult. It’s high on the list of stressful life transitions. Coping with divorce is – ideally – a short term strategy. You’ve probably heard of a person being in “crisis mode.” We recognize that it is a time period of strong emotional response to an event that is outside the norm — a sort of “high gear.” The challenge in the aftermath of divorce is not to allow that mode of functioning to become permanent.
The goal is to move through crisis (in this case – divorce), rather than getting stuck and allowing those strong reactions to become the norm.
Those heavy emotional reactions are a natural short-term mechanism, but if you continue reacting as if alarm bells are sounding then it’s time to bring what has become an unhealthy extreme under control.
When faced with a crisis like divorce, some women downplay their emotional reactions, trying to deny how strong those feelings are. All in all, this crisis mode is a pretty uncomfortable state as well.
If you’re in divorce crisis mode, remember that such strong emotional response is something you’re not used to, so no wonder you feel weak! Feel strong in this, though: You have the capability of managing your emotions, no matter at what level of strength they manifest themselves.
An effective strategy for working through and beyond a crisis is, as is often the case, to relax your mind with the use of a coping statement. Having a strategy to deal in times you feel poorly can help you feel stronger and then better able to cope with your divorce.
After divorce, you experience a time of grief. And just when you think you’re past it, a song comes on the radio, or you hear someone mention a movie you both enjoyed. Those feelings of sadness may wash over you again, and you may think “I’ll never get past this.”
To plan ahead for these sad periods, try writing a statement on an index card that you carry around with you. So the next time you are reminded of the crisis and it triggers that response, you are prepared. You can pull out the card and read your instruction to yourself on how to work through and past those feelings. I think there’s something about seeing something in writing that makes an idea a more definite concept.
For example, your instruction could be: “It’s normal to feel bad, but now I’m going to think of something that makes me smile.” Have some specific examples written down so you aren’t left scrambling – for example, an experience you’ve had that left you feeling pleased. You might also engage in an activity that will distract you such as a drive through a pretty area, or even something as simple as humming one of your favorite tunes.
This strategy can help your mind to relax and sort of ‘breathe through’ the period of crisis. You are offering your mind something solid to work on that helps you feel a measure of strength over your reaction, and it can relax you. Knowing how to handle it will help you experience a measure of strength over your reaction.
Confidence in one’s own ability to maintain control is key to developing the ability to move on.
 This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club.
“It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” |
