•    Openness:

Be willing to share (but not over-do) what you are feeling and experiencing with others. Stay open and honest with friends and family. Sharing your emotions promotes healing.

•    Action:

Moving forward with your life implies a willingness to take action. On days you would rather pull the covers over your head, force yourself out of bed. Put one foot in front of the other – because any movement is forward movement. For sure, a forward direction is the one you want to take. Get up and get going. Start with the biggest baby steps you can take. Soon you will be moving forward by leaps and bounds.

•    Belief:

There is no healing without the belief that you can heal. Belief in ourselves and in our ability to weather the storm is our greatest tool when it comes to moving through a time of adversity.  Push any self-doubt you have aside and believe in your own competence. Develop discipline, push negative self-talk out of your head and believe that you can become who you want and live the life you want. Because you can!

Sharpen the elements of your new approach; make them part of your daily life. Openness, action and belief in yourself will never fail to bring you through adversity in  life. One day you will look back and realize that all the grief and the challenges you faced with your divorce gave way to some of your greatest accomplishments.  You will have grown more than you ever thought possible.

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations

There is a story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

“Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.  ……..”We’ll see,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. …… “We’ll see,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg.
The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. …..”We’ll see,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by.

The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. …..”We’ll see” said the farmer.

When I first heard this story I thought we could think of divorce as the horse.  Better yet, consider a husband as the horse!  When we divorce our husband(s), we think that’s bad.

Then, the women I work with begin to develop new lives, and the next thing they know they have (pick one or more): a new career, supportive friends, interesting outside activities, new interests to pursue, things they love to do, and more.  Those things are good.

Sometimes a client finds that her ex is in a relationship with the woman he was with during their marriage.  That is bad.

Then I help that client realize that she no longer has to put up with her ex-huband’s bad behavior. That is good.

Another client finds herself in a constant struggle with her ex over the divorce, money, and lists of other things.  That is bad.

Through the struggle, my client begins to realize how strong she is.  That is good.

My point here is that when life comes up with something “bad”, try to say “We’ll see…”  You might be surprised how the “bad” can actually turn into the “good”!

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations

1. Don’t assume your date is exclusive with you.  If you’ve never talked about it, you probably should.

2. Don’t be afraid of silence.  Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.

3. Don’t make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include:

•    reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases;
•    avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger;
•    having sex to look forward to.

If and when sex is right, it will happen – there’s no advantage in rushing.

4. Don’t date beyond your budget.

It doesn’t impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession. A wide
disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating
with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or assistance with a task needing to be taken care of will
even the tally.

5. Don’t get too self-conscious.

The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive.
Look your best, and then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus
on what you think of your date.

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations.

Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

First, make sure that you have allowed sufficient time for your emotions to reach the point of a ‘healthy recovery’, then you can move forward. The world has changed though.  Know that, if you have never been taught boundaries, or how to deal with unwanted pressure in dating relationships, you may wind-up doing something uncomfortable or ‘against your will’. A “boundary”, particularly as it applies to dating, can be defined as:

•    A limit that defines you as separate from others
•    A limit that promotes integrity and respect

Boundaries can be emotional and/or physical.

Boundaries are applied differently in different types of relationships. Naturally, there is a tendency to be more liberal about boundaries with those you know and trust versus those you don’t.  But, understanding what a boundary is, and applying it, is a good standard to maintain in general, and particularly when getting back out into the dating world.

Regarding physical boundaries and “safe” distances with new acquaintances – interestingly enough, it was anthropologist, Edward T. Hall, who determined that “no one  you do not know or trust should be within an 18 inch space of your body, because this is considered an intimate zone”.  Hall’s definition has become the concept of Proxemics (personal space zones) and is still widely used today.  Indeed, his concept gives us ‘food for thought’.

I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.  Anonymous.

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Sherri Shepherd’s new Lifetime sitcom, “Sherri,” will premiere Oct. 5.  Shepherd will  star in “Sherri” as a freshly divorced mom and part-time comedian/actress who re-enters the dating scene.  “It’s what Lifetime is all about – friendships between women and how you overcome problems,” Shepherd told The Post yesterday. “It’s based on my standup act . . . and I like that they’re not trying to change my age and make me 22. “I’m a grown woman [on the show] with grown-women girlfriends going through grown-women stuff, trying to navigate my way back into dating and a job and trying to raise my son myself.” Shepherd will also use the launch of “Sherri” to promote her new book, “Permission Slips: Every Woman’s Guide to Giving Yourself a Break” – released the same day as the “Sherri” premiere. “It’s about women giving ourselves permission to be OK – that we might not know everything in the world,” Shepherd says. “We put so much pressure on ourselves in taking care of our families and trying to be perfect while we’re falling apart inside.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

1. Defuse anger by listening.
2. Identify where you can help.
3. Walk away or end the call if you can’t handle the anger.
4. Limit what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
5. Boost self-esteem through assertiveness training.
6. Deal with each issue separately.
7. Don’t take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally.
8. Stay calm. It’s not your anger.
9. Learn to recognize your own hot buttons.
10. Try a little compassion – even if it’s hard.
11. Hear the pain, shame or fear behind the anger.
12. Refuse face-to-face contact and screen calls if you sense any danger.

Note in each instance, be it your anger or the other person’s, yesterday’s and today’s lists indicate you should work on your own trigger(s) and be able to identify your own “hot buttons”.  Knowing where your anger lies will help you to quit “reacting” so frequently.

Both lists contain great tips and advice about how to deal with anger through your divorce.

And remember…
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Author, Steve Cason, who has written many a caustic comment about divorce (He’s undergone four divorces himself!) ends his latest book (on divorce recovery for men) with some uplifting words.   ”It’s a cliche, but it’s true,” said Cason. “Every dark cloud has a silver lining, and divorce is no exception. It’s an opportunity to better ourselves – be it starting a new career, moving to a new city or state, or pursuing a dream. It’s also a chance to find someone you can love, and who will love you, for the rest of your life.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

•    Will be very expensive, the reason being: It’s usually worth the money.

•    Will cost you more than money. Personal possessions have to get divided too.

•    Will also cause the non-material assets like friendships and other relationships to be split up or dissolved. You will lose friends. You will need to make new ones. On a more positive note, you will find that certain people who spent years tolerating your spouse in order to remain close to you finally stop biting their tongue and become closer than ever.

•    Will teach you that no one likes a victim. If you see yourself as unwanted, scorned and victimized, even if you truly are being careful that you don’t portray that to others, others will then see you the same way. A sense of humor can work wonders in explaining things to others without sounding all “woe is me.”

•    Will, if it doesn’t kill you, make you much stronger. And yes, there is life after divorce.

When things get tough – remember those words!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

I ask you to try and take into consideration the fact that you are not alone.  Divorce is everywhere. Divorce takes place in all cultures.  The article below was written by Zainol Abideen, a Muslim, Malaysian author and president of the Muslim Bloggers Alliance.  I think this article is an interesting one – not because I wish you to seek solace in the notion that ‘misery loves company’, but because the article speaks to the universality of divorce and how to handle it.

Is there life after divorce? Depends…
A subject that not many would want to dwell upon but which is a sad reality affecting many all around the world.

In today’s materialistic world, many couples live a strained life, devoid of true love and compassion.  As a result, domestic squabbles, and even violence, takes place almost daily in the lives of couples who got married, not really due to love,but to circumstances: a marriage of convenience, a marriage born out of pity, a  marriage due to forced pregnancies, a marriage that is arranged, a marriage to strengthen family or business ties.

When we speak about divorce, many suffering spouses fear to cross that line because they have become so dependent on their beaus – to such a stage that they can’t imagine living life all alone.

Some spouses abuse their partners so much that they resort to physical abuse. Some drive their partners nuts to such an extent that the suffering victims border on the verge of a mental breakdown.  I myself lived through such a marriage and I confess to almost losing my mind due to the tremendous pressure and mental agony that only those who are in similar situations can imagine.

In our Asian society, suffering couples often put up a show that all’s well, when in reality raging tempests drive them nuts within the walls of their homes. Sometimes I come across cyber friends and contacts who confess to me of the abuse that they are going through at the hands of their husbands or even wives.

When I divorced, I surrendered whatever little property I had and started a new life from scratch. I started my new life with just a given shirt on my back. I am blessed to have met my match in my wife now, who has been a pillar of support, love and care beyond words.

The question arises:  Is there life after divorce?
The answer: Depends. Whether you have it in you to re-establish your life once again.  Learn not to repeat the same mistakes and avoid falling into the same old traps and quagmires out there.

We can’t change yesterday, but we can make a change tomorrow.  Get real and decide as to whether you want to suffer for the rest of your life or start life anew.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Who wants to live never letting their guard down? It’s exhausting!

In addition to that, the very thing we are counting on to make things easier and make us more acceptable in others’ eyes, actually puts a wall around us, limiting our ability to communicate intimately with those very same people! We miss out on an opportunity for deep, meaningful connections with our fellow human beings.

It’s one thing to put up a nice front that makes you pleasant company. Remember, society has certain rules of behavior and it makes things more pleasant for all of us. That’s a comfortable mask and shouldn’t feel like a burden. But when the mask is thickened, maybe because we feel compelled to tamp down our real feelings or have gone through some traumatic event that exposes our weaknesses, then that mask has become a heavy weight.

Well, it’s time to expose what lies beneath.

Not to worry: That won’t happen overnight. To drop that “security blanket,” suddenly would be a scary proposition, even if wearing that mask does wear us down. Rather, the ‘dropping of the mask’ may be something you have to dip your toes into before completely jumping in up to your ears. There could be several layers to your mask that have built up over the years. Look at this as a process.

Here are some tips to prepare yourself for dropping that mask:

1.    Journal
Get a journal, and start writing. This will help you get acquainted with who you are, in all your glory—imperfections included. A journal is a safe environment where you can let your hair down.
2.    Confide
When you feel ready, confide something small that you see as a weakness to a dear, trusted friend. Ask for their feedback: do they think less of you for sharing? You may prompt them to open up to you about something weighing on them!
3.    Explore
Make a new acquaintance. Introduce you, which may be different than the person you normally present. One way to do this is to join a group that shares an interest that you have wanted to explore. It will open and nurture your true identity, allowing you to be yourself in a setting that fulfills something in you.
4.    Unlock
In your journaling, start naming names: what are those masks you’re wearing, anyway? Where did they come from? If you have residual pain or unhappiness from events in your past, get it out in the open, so you can work through it.
5.    Commit
Find ways to begin living honestly and openly, committing to releasing your true identity a little more each day. Go at a pace that feels comfortable to you, and build on your successes.

What you may be surprised to find is that no one thinks any less of you as you begin to open up. You may be even more surprised to find that they admire your courage and honesty! Who knows, but maybe you could inspire someone else who has been hiding behind a mask to begin stepping out from behind theirs, too.

It will enrich your life to live authentically—as yourself—and bring you a greater level of intimacy with the people in your life, something you may have never experienced before, leaving you feeling more fulfilled than you thought possible.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”