•    Openness:

Be willing to share (but not over-do) what you are feeling and experiencing with others. Stay open and honest with friends and family. Sharing your emotions promotes healing.

•    Action:

Moving forward with your life implies a willingness to take action. On days you would rather pull the covers over your head, force yourself out of bed. Put one foot in front of the other – because any movement is forward movement. For sure, a forward direction is the one you want to take. Get up and get going. Start with the biggest baby steps you can take. Soon you will be moving forward by leaps and bounds.

•    Belief:

There is no healing without the belief that you can heal. Belief in ourselves and in our ability to weather the storm is our greatest tool when it comes to moving through a time of adversity.  Push any self-doubt you have aside and believe in your own competence. Develop discipline, push negative self-talk out of your head and believe that you can become who you want and live the life you want. Because you can!

Sharpen the elements of your new approach; make them part of your daily life. Openness, action and belief in yourself will never fail to bring you through adversity in  life. One day you will look back and realize that all the grief and the challenges you faced with your divorce gave way to some of your greatest accomplishments.  You will have grown more than you ever thought possible.

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations

“Social networking sites can raise a wide range of problems for people working through divorce. For some people, the best solution is to simply avoid these sites entirely. You can deactivate your accounts and return once the terms of your divorce have been finalized.

However, for other people this is not a wise option. Social networking sites can help to maintain connections with support systems, which can be critical when working through divorce. In these cases, the goal should be to minimize the potential risks of social networking sites.

Ultimately the key is to avoid displaying private issues in public spaces, and to remember that the Internet is a public space. Assume that your future ex-spouse and his or her lawyer will see anything you post, and restrict your posts accordingly.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

1. Write it out where only you will read it.
2. Shout it out where only you will hear it.
3. Talk it out with a friend, therapist or support group.
4. Take responsibility for your part in the breakup.
5. Identify what triggers your anger.
6. Think before you respond.
7. Keep children out of the conflict.
8. Hold conflicts at a moderate level.
9. Choose your battles carefully – let the small stuff go.
10. Express how you feel rather tossing out accusations.
11. Acknowledge how sad you are.
12. Forgive, let go, move on.

Triggers are important to identify. A “trigger” or “hot button” is something that may “set you off” about a situation or a person.  What is it about the divorce, itself, that makes you the angriest?  If you can pinpoint a trigger, then you can hopefully work through your anger much quicker.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Author and speaker, Doug Billings has studied for the Catholic priesthood and earned two degrees. He refers to himself as a “wounded healer” and has shared examples and insights of how he overcame mistakes in his own life in his effort to help others heal.  Doug begins here with some pretty direct divorce advice.

Not wanting to beat around the bush — if you want to move beyond the pain of your divorce, two things are required: Compassion & forgiveness.

It’s all too easy to go to war and destroy more of each other’s lives. Don’t look at this moment as a time to go for the jugular, demanding huge settlements. Be fair and compassionate. —By the way, you’ll feel better too.

Forgiveness is no easy task – especially if you are the one who was left. But it is essential to offer it if you ever hope to love fully again. Refusing to offer forgiveness kills love.

The first step in offering forgiveness is to recognize why it’s required. Don’t hide behind statements like “It’s all his/her fault!” Divorce rarely happens because it is solely one person’s fault. Acknowledge your part in the divorce situation. Acknowledge your ex’s part in it. Let both parts percolate through you. Own them. Do not ignore them. Scream and shout about them (to yourself). Express your anger and hurt over them. Cry over them.

Soon, you will find a stunning revelation – you are not only able to forgive but you earnestly want to forgive! Out of the taking ownership, screaming & shouting, expressing anger and crying over the reasons, a transfiguration within occurs. One moves from being closed off and refusing to forgive because we mistakenly think by doing so we are punishing the other person – to the correct realization that only by forgiving we stop punishing ourselves and become able to move beyond pain and towards loving again.

Once both compassion and forgiveness are combined, you will notice calm coming forth from the pain of your current situation and your heart will be fertile for love again.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Who wants to live never letting their guard down? It’s exhausting!

In addition to that, the very thing we are counting on to make things easier and make us more acceptable in others’ eyes, actually puts a wall around us, limiting our ability to communicate intimately with those very same people! We miss out on an opportunity for deep, meaningful connections with our fellow human beings.

It’s one thing to put up a nice front that makes you pleasant company. Remember, society has certain rules of behavior and it makes things more pleasant for all of us. That’s a comfortable mask and shouldn’t feel like a burden. But when the mask is thickened, maybe because we feel compelled to tamp down our real feelings or have gone through some traumatic event that exposes our weaknesses, then that mask has become a heavy weight.

Well, it’s time to expose what lies beneath.

Not to worry: That won’t happen overnight. To drop that “security blanket,” suddenly would be a scary proposition, even if wearing that mask does wear us down. Rather, the ‘dropping of the mask’ may be something you have to dip your toes into before completely jumping in up to your ears. There could be several layers to your mask that have built up over the years. Look at this as a process.

Here are some tips to prepare yourself for dropping that mask:

1.    Journal
Get a journal, and start writing. This will help you get acquainted with who you are, in all your glory—imperfections included. A journal is a safe environment where you can let your hair down.
2.    Confide
When you feel ready, confide something small that you see as a weakness to a dear, trusted friend. Ask for their feedback: do they think less of you for sharing? You may prompt them to open up to you about something weighing on them!
3.    Explore
Make a new acquaintance. Introduce you, which may be different than the person you normally present. One way to do this is to join a group that shares an interest that you have wanted to explore. It will open and nurture your true identity, allowing you to be yourself in a setting that fulfills something in you.
4.    Unlock
In your journaling, start naming names: what are those masks you’re wearing, anyway? Where did they come from? If you have residual pain or unhappiness from events in your past, get it out in the open, so you can work through it.
5.    Commit
Find ways to begin living honestly and openly, committing to releasing your true identity a little more each day. Go at a pace that feels comfortable to you, and build on your successes.

What you may be surprised to find is that no one thinks any less of you as you begin to open up. You may be even more surprised to find that they admire your courage and honesty! Who knows, but maybe you could inspire someone else who has been hiding behind a mask to begin stepping out from behind theirs, too.

It will enrich your life to live authentically—as yourself—and bring you a greater level of intimacy with the people in your life, something you may have never experienced before, leaving you feeling more fulfilled than you thought possible.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

1. Lists- I know I’ve said this many times before, but I can’t help but restate it, ‘You need to make lists’. Lists help you to get things out of your head, so you can focus on your day-to-day without so much distraction. When you’re facing any loss, lists can help you. Your brain is busy with a ton of items and processes during the day. When you hit these stumbling blocks in your life it truly seems to hit its limits. Dumping the extra information, or things you can take care of later, will definitely help you maintain some sanity. You can always go back and check them off as you finish the item. And you’ll see how rewarding it is to see how much you’ve actually accomplished.

2. Files and Notebooks-Keep all your paperwork separated. Place each topic in a different file or notebook so that you can easily keep track of the information you need. Keeping it organized and easy to find will help you feel less overwhelmed.

3. Take a break. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, lost or confused about what you’re facing, walk away – even if it’s for just a few moments. Take that breather to relax and realize you’re not the only one going through this. You’re not the only one that has felt this way about their divorce. Being able to make it through all this in one piece is the most important factor here, and overwhelming yourself will only make you feel like it will never end. Eventually, it does; eventually all things end. Breath; step away occasionally, and you will find that when you need to deal with an issue you will be able to focus more easily.

4. Deal with today. Of course, you need to think about what you want in the long run, but if you face each issue as it arises and take on one battle at time, you will find everything easier to handle. I think of a popular axiom, “Live for today, because by the time you get to tomorrow it’s already today again!” Keep this in mind when you are battling emotional overload – one day at a time, one step at a time.

Hopefully no matter where you are in the process of building your new life after divorce, these simple steps will help you get through it with all your hair still attached to your head. I hope they help you weather the storms.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

(from Newsday.com) Some couples have decided to live in their marital homes after divorce until real estate prices recover. That can be difficult, but (a N.Y. attorney) said in some cases, selling a house with no real equity is pointless.

The attorney suggests that divorce agreements state who will live in the house and who will move out. Such agreements can state if prices don’t recover, a house will be placed on the market by a certain date.  “The person who is out of the house wants to know when they can get their fair share,” the attorney said.

“Today, when people say they don’t have the money, they’re not kidding,” the attorney said.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Luckily, it’s never too late to develop the tools of the socially confident.
“You don’t have to be interesting. You have to be interested,” explains John
Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington.
“That’s how you have conversations.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Hanging on to the past is probably one of the biggest obstacles most people have in healing and recovering from divorce.  By hanging on to personal possessions, you are in essence hanging on to the tattered remains of your marriage.

Divesting yourself of any reminders of your previous life is a great way to “wipe the slate clean” and get a fresh start after your divorce.  Any meaning from the personal mementos will only serve to hold you back, a reminder of where you’ve been – distracting you from where you want to go.

While divorce is an “end”, it can  also be a new beginning.  However, to make a fresh start, you must first work on healing the emotional wounds caused by divorce.

Ignoring the pain is NOT the key to healing!  A great way to illustrate this principle comes from my athletically gifted daughter.  She played basketball when she was in high school and in one game, she twisted an ankle while playing.  Instead of acknowledging the injury, (and possibly missing a game) she decided to “grit” through the pain.  As she walked, she favored that ankle because it hurt and as a result, she “walked funny”.   A few days later, she started having knee pain IN THE OPPOSITE KNEE!

It turns out that by trying to pretend nothing was wrong with her ankle, she put unusual strain on the knee of the opposite leg.  When she finally resigned herself to using crutches for a week, her ankle was able to heal and she avoided knee injury by using the crutches.

The same applies to you with your divorce.  If you try to pretend you haven’t been wounded – you’ll put strains on other areas of your life.  Take time to devote to healing those emotional wounds.

Finding healing after divorce is a personal journey.  It takes courage and strength to navigate this journey to divorce recovery.

One great resource to help you on  the path to divorce healing and recovery is Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends.  The book is based on over 200 interviews and 13 years of counseling experience.  Psychologist Sandra Kahn has written the first guide to offer help to women whose unresolved issues keep them emotionally bound to their ex-husbands, even years after a divorce is final.

One typical “stress relief prescription” is to “get away from it all” and go on vacation.   There’s no better time to plan your dream vacation.   Even if you’re only able to arrange a weekend away, you need this time to regroup and reconnect with yourself.

This is YOUR time, a time for reflection and introspection.  The past months have been filled with the stress of divorce proceedings, and this is your time to decompress.  Perhaps you’ve forgotten who you really are, deep inside.  If nothing else, your time away is an escape from all the memories you’ve left at home.

If time and money prohibit a full blown weekend away, then schedule a day at a local spa.  Get a massage, a manicure and pedicure.  Be pampered!  You deserve it!

Don’t underestimate the amount of emotional stress you’ve been under as you transition from married life to single life.   This may be a great time to pick up yoga, meditation, and other relaxation techniques.

Starting a daily walking regime is also a GREAT way to make time for yourself AND get the stress relieving benefits of mild exercise as well.

The few hours after a butterfly emerges from it’s cocoon are when it is most fragile.  As you make the transition from married to single, the period of divorce recovery is when you’re emotionally fragile too.  It’s so tempting to fill your spare time with clutter to “keep your mind off” of things you don’t want to face.

There’s a term in self help circles known as “eating a frog”.  Eating a frog is when you’re facing a task you don’t want to perform, but you know you really SHOULD do.  Expect for “frogs” to appear as you spend time reflecting as you recover from your divorce.