First, make sure that you have allowed sufficient time for your emotions to reach the point of a ‘healthy recovery’, then you can move forward. The world has changed though.  Know that, if you have never been taught boundaries, or how to deal with unwanted pressure in dating relationships, you may wind-up doing something uncomfortable or ‘against your will’. A “boundary”, particularly as it applies to dating, can be defined as:

•    A limit that defines you as separate from others
•    A limit that promotes integrity and respect

Boundaries can be emotional and/or physical.

Boundaries are applied differently in different types of relationships. Naturally, there is a tendency to be more liberal about boundaries with those you know and trust versus those you don’t.  But, understanding what a boundary is, and applying it, is a good standard to maintain in general, and particularly when getting back out into the dating world.

Regarding physical boundaries and “safe” distances with new acquaintances – interestingly enough, it was anthropologist, Edward T. Hall, who determined that “no one  you do not know or trust should be within an 18 inch space of your body, because this is considered an intimate zone”.  Hall’s definition has become the concept of Proxemics (personal space zones) and is still widely used today.  Indeed, his concept gives us ‘food for thought’.

I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.  Anonymous.

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

“Social networking sites can raise a wide range of problems for people working through divorce. For some people, the best solution is to simply avoid these sites entirely. You can deactivate your accounts and return once the terms of your divorce have been finalized.

However, for other people this is not a wise option. Social networking sites can help to maintain connections with support systems, which can be critical when working through divorce. In these cases, the goal should be to minimize the potential risks of social networking sites.

Ultimately the key is to avoid displaying private issues in public spaces, and to remember that the Internet is a public space. Assume that your future ex-spouse and his or her lawyer will see anything you post, and restrict your posts accordingly.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Q:  My wife and I have separated after 25 years of marriage. She keeps stressing that she wants an amicable divorce, yet I just can’t do that. I can’t get past the anger, resentment, or hatred for her for destroying everything that my life revolved around. I just can’t let it go. What do I do?

A:  We have been discussing your question for days because it so clearly demonstrates the pain of divorce – and we wanted to make sure any answer we gave didn’t just sound like the pat answer, “go to counseling” – although, ultimately, that might be the right answer because a counselor will be able to help you navigate the emotions you are feeling.
We understand it sometimes takes time to get to where you even want to feel better. In the beginning, if you feel wronged, it’s not uncommon to be stuck in how wrong the other one was, and that you have a right to hate the other person.

But being right doesn’t make you feel better. In fact, it probably makes you feel worse because you absolutely cannot understand how someone you loved so completely ended up being so selfish and insensitive.

Recovery after a break-up is a process, not unlike recovery from addiction, because getting over a painful break-up takes time. As is the case with working toward sobriety, while the decision to get clean is often empowering, the process is long and hard. Some days are good and some are bad, which is why the “one day at a time” philosophy applies so well to coping with a break-up. Looking too far down the road can feel overwhelming – and that’s where it sounds like you are right now.

One of the most important things as you go through the process is to put on a stable face for your children (no matter their age) and for your colleagues at work. This does not mean you should act like nothing is wrong, but that you should not come off out of control. Your actions should say that the people who depend on you, can still depend on you, even though you are no longer living under the same conditions you did for years.

“Finally, when you are ready”, the counselors say, “we are confident counseling will help.”

……And I would like to add: engaging in divorce coaching at this time will be a major step on the road to a fulfilling new life after divorce!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

1. Defuse anger by listening.
2. Identify where you can help.
3. Walk away or end the call if you can’t handle the anger.
4. Limit what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
5. Boost self-esteem through assertiveness training.
6. Deal with each issue separately.
7. Don’t take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally.
8. Stay calm. It’s not your anger.
9. Learn to recognize your own hot buttons.
10. Try a little compassion – even if it’s hard.
11. Hear the pain, shame or fear behind the anger.
12. Refuse face-to-face contact and screen calls if you sense any danger.

Note in each instance, be it your anger or the other person’s, yesterday’s and today’s lists indicate you should work on your own trigger(s) and be able to identify your own “hot buttons”.  Knowing where your anger lies will help you to quit “reacting” so frequently.

Both lists contain great tips and advice about how to deal with anger through your divorce.

And remember…
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I ask you to try and take into consideration the fact that you are not alone.  Divorce is everywhere. Divorce takes place in all cultures.  The article below was written by Zainol Abideen, a Muslim, Malaysian author and president of the Muslim Bloggers Alliance.  I think this article is an interesting one – not because I wish you to seek solace in the notion that ‘misery loves company’, but because the article speaks to the universality of divorce and how to handle it.

Is there life after divorce? Depends…
A subject that not many would want to dwell upon but which is a sad reality affecting many all around the world.

In today’s materialistic world, many couples live a strained life, devoid of true love and compassion.  As a result, domestic squabbles, and even violence, takes place almost daily in the lives of couples who got married, not really due to love,but to circumstances: a marriage of convenience, a marriage born out of pity, a  marriage due to forced pregnancies, a marriage that is arranged, a marriage to strengthen family or business ties.

When we speak about divorce, many suffering spouses fear to cross that line because they have become so dependent on their beaus – to such a stage that they can’t imagine living life all alone.

Some spouses abuse their partners so much that they resort to physical abuse. Some drive their partners nuts to such an extent that the suffering victims border on the verge of a mental breakdown.  I myself lived through such a marriage and I confess to almost losing my mind due to the tremendous pressure and mental agony that only those who are in similar situations can imagine.

In our Asian society, suffering couples often put up a show that all’s well, when in reality raging tempests drive them nuts within the walls of their homes. Sometimes I come across cyber friends and contacts who confess to me of the abuse that they are going through at the hands of their husbands or even wives.

When I divorced, I surrendered whatever little property I had and started a new life from scratch. I started my new life with just a given shirt on my back. I am blessed to have met my match in my wife now, who has been a pillar of support, love and care beyond words.

The question arises:  Is there life after divorce?
The answer: Depends. Whether you have it in you to re-establish your life once again.  Learn not to repeat the same mistakes and avoid falling into the same old traps and quagmires out there.

We can’t change yesterday, but we can make a change tomorrow.  Get real and decide as to whether you want to suffer for the rest of your life or start life anew.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Take a look around your house and check out everything that needs to be done. You’re probably tired of hearing me say this, but it is time for that list again. I think lists help. I started with a spiral notebook that I kept with me to jot things down whenever they would hit my mind. That way everything I needed to know was all in one place. When I finished something, I could mark it off; scratch it out. (I still love seeing all those items marked off my lists!) Every time I felt overwhelmed I could look back and see everything that I had already done. It helped me to feel more accomplished and ready to take on even more.

Getting things in order for bills might be easy for some people, but if you’ve lost that extra paycheck from your spouse, it sure can make the budget tight. You could use your calendar to schedule your usual bills, so that you see when they are due and also see what else is coming up that you might need money for – kept all in one convenient place. Money is always a tough one; it causes enough stress in a marriage, and now you’re left to handle that load all by yourself. Take a deep breath and relax, you’ll get the swing of it.  …..I can relate to this issue all too well:  I was certain that I would never get the hang of the financial ‘thing’, but finally I did.  You will too – I promise.

Not having anyone around to talk to or vent about your day can be hard too.  You might try using internet social networks to talk to friends you’ve acquired there, and vent that way. Talking to yourself in car may make you look a little crazy, but talking things through, whether to a real person or not, can actually help you work things out. Take some time to separate work from home. It will help relieve a lot of stress in the long run.

Don’t forget that after you work on all this stuff, you still need to find time for you. Try to find at least 15 minutes a day to close your eyes, relax, listen to music, soak in the bath or do something that relieves stress for you. This is one thing most women have a hard time with. Women often feel that everyone else is more important. We are born into a culture of ‘fixers’, so when someone has a problem, we react like it’s up to us to make sure it gets taken care of – except when it comes to our own needs, that is. This modus operandi can lead to even more stress because none of your own needs are being met. Realize that you need to take care of you, or no one will be there to take care of other stuff. Try to take those 15 minute periods, just so that you can breathe. You need to do that.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

(adapted from “And Then I’ll Be Happy!” by Kristen Houghton)
There is always a special time of the year when people stop and take stock of where they are and what they have done in their lives. This is an excellent time for anyone to take stock. For some reason summer is a grand time for reflection. The weather is great for sitting outdoors or going for a “thinking walk” where you assess your life. Begin by -

•         Putting away the negatives.
Should have done…, could have done…, wished I had done… are not productive.
Allow yourself to think about them for only 15 minutes. If you feel there were things
you wanted to do and didn’t, make a determination to do them in the near future.

•         Concentrating on the positives.
There have been positives in your life since last summer. Make a list, mental or written
of what you’ve done that enhanced your life.

•         Being kind to yourself.
Do something nice for yourself. A simple reward makes you feel special. You’re not being
selfish, you’re seeing yourself as a person of worth.

•         Appreciating life.
Look around you and focus on the beauty of life. Find one small thing that gives you
pleasure.

•         Doing something fun.
How much fun have you had since last summer? Fun balances the seriousness of life.
Make it a point to do something that is simply fun this summer.

•         Celebrate you!
Celebrate your own life as an independent person who has a lot of living to do.
Appreciate yourself for not only who you are now, but who you have the potential
to become.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

In the best of economic conditions, women may be concerned about how a divorce will affect their ability to take care of themselves. But when the economy is down and home values have fallen and debt loads are high, many may feel they simply cannot make it on their own without their spouse’s income – despite how unhappy they may be in their marriage.

As spouses considering separation take a hard look at their financial situation, they may be tempted to stay in a loveless marriage rather than face an uncertain economic future on their own. This is particularly true for women who have left their jobs to take care of their home and children and have not worked outside of the home for years, if ever. They may worry about their chance of finding sustainable employment and making a living wage in the current economy.

It does not have to be this way, however.

Financial co-dependence is not a good reason to stay in a marriage that no longer works. It is much better to seek other options that can help ease the financial burden while helping you move on with your life in a positive direction.

Whether you are concerned about paying your bills, getting out from underneath bad debt or keeping your home out of foreclosure, there are options. While it can surely be scary to file for divorce and only have yourself to rely on to take care of you, remember that it is also an opportunity for a new beginning. In these situations, it would be good to discuss your options with an attorney who is experienced in family and bankruptcy law.  You can also enlist the advice of a career coach to help you with a search for a job – either full or part-time.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

If there’s such a thing as a happy divorce record, Charlie Robison may have recorded it. “Beautiful Day”, the Texas country singer-songwriter’s first studio album in five years, explores the emotions he felt after the disintegration of his nine-year marriage to fellow country musician Emily Robison, a Dixie Chick.

In a 10-song cycle, six of which are from his pen, the 44-year-old Robison travels through anger, sadness, hope, resilience and liberation. The disc ends on a jubilant note with a rocking cover of Bruce Springsteen’s “Racing in the Street.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

More even than learning to see their parents (and themselves) in a new light, adult children of divorce can be stressed by the demands placed on them by parents. In the trauma of divorce, parents can overstep the healthy boundaries of their children by treating them as supportive friends.

Leaning on an adult child as a confidant, badmouthing the other parent, using the child to carry messages between their parents, or telling the child, “You’re just like your mother/father!” are ultimately all abuses of the parent-child relationship and can be detrimental to the adult child’s own healing and development. Most parents would never consider treating young children in this manner.

Parents who, after a divorce, begin to date may also confide in their children or depend on them for social advice and help. Many ACODs report how dismaying and frustrating this kind of conversation with their parents can be.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”