It is said that anger is a wasted emotion; it doesn’t help anyone and seems to consume our much needed energy. It is important to get passed it and move forward, so that waves will turn to ripples and eventually your life will smooth out to a surface of contentment.

We are told that solid anger could be identified as, mad at everything. It’s when nothing seems to make you happy. You can’t find anything good to say and your body is stuck in the flight-or-fight mode. In this stage it’s hard to find something that can change that. Many people in this stage of anger resort to use of medications, alcohol or drugs to change that feeling. It’s an awful feeling to have.

It’s important to realize, however, that any crutch you use is only masking the anger. Finding a way to get passed it is a better remedy. You may ask, “How do you do that?” …..Little by little, using the techniques I have discussed in earlier articles (and will soon publish as a full program. For information about when the material will be available, just go to my website: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com and sign up for my newsletter. The newsletter will have information about the forthcoming publication of this program.) In the meantime, try to think of the mustard seed spoken of in the Bible [Mathew 13: 31-32]:

The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and
sowed in his field. Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is
the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come
and lodge in the branches thereof.

Once you are out of constant anger, you may still be dealing with waves of it. Something may trigger it and cause it to rear its ugly head again. Don’t let yourself fall back into that constant anger pattern. Take a deep breath, (find the mustard seed again) and remember that you can get passed the anger and you can use your energy more wisely on other parts of your life.

It will also help to know that there is a difference between shock and anger; which get confused a lot. You can tell the difference by looking at what it is that triggered your reaction. Is it something that would normally make you upset, or are you upset because you weren’t expecting it? If it would normally make you upset, then you may be angry; if not, then it is probably just the shock of the unexpected. Try to take a moment to think before you react. In the long run, it may save you from constant waves of anger.

Eventually, if you can learn to identify your anger, the triggers, and the difference between shock and anger, you will be better able to handle those gripping sensations. You will be able to get passed it and use that energy for better things, like that time for yourself that you so sorely need. The waves will start to subside. A calm feeling will start to settle in, and your life will start to feel smooth. It may be hard to see it now, if you are in the middle of anger, but this too shall pass – if you take the steps to move forward. You can do this!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

If there’s such a thing as a happy divorce record, Charlie Robison may have recorded it. “Beautiful Day”, the Texas country singer-songwriter’s first studio album in five years, explores the emotions he felt after the disintegration of his nine-year marriage to fellow country musician Emily Robison, a Dixie Chick.

In a 10-song cycle, six of which are from his pen, the 44-year-old Robison travels through anger, sadness, hope, resilience and liberation. The disc ends on a jubilant note with a rocking cover of Bruce Springsteen’s “Racing in the Street.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

More even than learning to see their parents (and themselves) in a new light, adult children of divorce can be stressed by the demands placed on them by parents. In the trauma of divorce, parents can overstep the healthy boundaries of their children by treating them as supportive friends.

Leaning on an adult child as a confidant, badmouthing the other parent, using the child to carry messages between their parents, or telling the child, “You’re just like your mother/father!” are ultimately all abuses of the parent-child relationship and can be detrimental to the adult child’s own healing and development. Most parents would never consider treating young children in this manner.

Parents who, after a divorce, begin to date may also confide in their children or depend on them for social advice and help. Many ACODs report how dismaying and frustrating this kind of conversation with their parents can be.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

One of the greatest deterrents to being able to ‘face the music’ of divorce is the loss of self-esteem. The person who has lost identity in a non-supportive marriage, or who entered marriage already in that state only to have it go from bad to worse, often has no idea how to move to higher, safer ground. All too often, lack of self-worth in one or both partners keeps a pathological union in place.

The need for a crutch in these situations may be very real and even necessary. When that happens, it’s time to seek-out wise, unbiased friends, (who may be hard to find), and/or a good counselor to provide some much needed support and direction. If things have gone way past reconciliation, then someone to help steer the ship through troubled waters could make all the difference.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Overcoming negative thinking is such an important part of the divorce recovery process, I’ve been writing about several ways to overcome negative thinking as part of your recovery from divorce.

Like smoking, overcoming negative thinking is a hard habit to break.  That’s why I’ll offer yet anothermore divorce recovery strategy to overcome negative thinking: play devil’s advocate, so to speak.

Divorce Recovery Strategy: Playing Devil’s Advocate

The next time your negative thoughts pop up, go after them. Put them up on the witness stand and grill yourself until you are satisfied that this line of thinking simply does not tell the truth.

Like one client, a recurring thought of yours might be, “I can’t do anything right.” You can, in effect, ‘challenge’ that idea.

Pick an accomplishment and, for example, say: “Exactly what proof do you have that I can’t do anything right? I paid all my bills this month. Isn’t that a good example of doing something right? ……..And I have plenty more where that came from!”

When you say something to yourself that is an ‘all-or-nothing type statement like that, ask yourself to be more specific.

Instead of “I can’t do anything right,” catch yourself and make it more specific instead. You could rephrase it as, “I don’t have the necessary skills to fix this (name of problem).” Negative thoughts are nothing more than ruts that our brains get stuck in.

Give yourself a hand with these strategies to help your brain pull itself out and move onto a better path.

Putting your mind to it will also get you out from under those dark clouds. Think how much better you’ll feel then!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Divorce is an inherently “negative” process.  Anyone who says any different has obviously never been through a divorce – either their own or someone close to them.

While it’s easy to say “You need to get out from under negative thinking as part of your divorce recovery process,”  it’s a bit harder to actually do than say.  I’ve shared several  Techniques to Control Negative Thinking, but just like smoking – sometimes negative thinking as a part of divorce recovery is a hard habit to break.

With that in mind, here’s another divorce recovery  strategy is use a stinging reminder to stop negative thoughts: wearing an elastic hair band on your wrist.

Divorce Recovery Advice:  Stop the Pain of Negative Thinking in a Snap

In the process of your recovery from divorce, when a negative thought crops up, and give that band around your write a little snap. I know that sounds punishing, but many of my clients have found that it works for them. Talk about being aware of what events and moods set your thoughts spiraling into the negative zone; this method will have you recognizing that route early-on and heading it off in order to prevent that stinging rebuke.

Now, please don’t cause yourself real pain; just a little sting to remind you that these negative thoughts need to be replaced with something positive and motivating.

The point is no matter what strategy you choose, you are re-training your brain to perceive and react differently to negative thought-triggering situations. And sometimes, it takes a very firm approach to get the result you want.

Getting over negative thinking is an essential part of the divorce recovery process.    If you’re having trouble breaking the “negative thinking” habit – try the elastic band around your wrist technique.

Negative thinking is a hard habit to break.  You may need to combine this technique with the other techniques I’ve shared to beat negative thinking once and for all!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

After all, an important part of divorce recovery is to get beyond the negative thinking and get on with your life.

Divorce Recovery Advice: Get Firm with Negative Thinking

SInce your divorce, you may have recurring negative thoughts. Maybe you’re afraid that these thoughts may never go away. Since your divorce, you feel anxious that you’ll never be able to get a grip on these negative thougths and send them packing.

In Divorce Recovery Advice: A Technique to Control Negative Thinking, I shared a strategy to deal with negative thinking called  “observe and release” strategy.  Perhaps as you’ve practiced this divorce recovery strategy, you’ve noticed that some of your negative thoughts may start to resemble a hard-to-shake misery-monger that has taken up permanent residence inside your head. You’ve observed those negative thoughts, all right, and you’re wondering when they’ll just go.

Here’s another divorce recovery strategy that’s easy and portable.

This divorce recovery strategy uses something you can easily slip into your purse or place on your dining or coffee table: an index card. On it you write one word—STOP. When the negative thought comes trudging across your mind, pick up the card and look at that one simple word for a minute. What this simple act does is distract you long enough to send that negative thought on its way and allows you to think about something else.

Also, this divorce recovery strategy shows you that you are more than capable of taking action, and that you can control some of what’s going on in your head. You reach for the card, see your firm request to stop the negative thought, and with deliberation move your thoughts to something else.

Before you know it, you won’t require the card, because this strategy will become an automatic process. Your mind will be trained to watch for those types of thoughts and to stop them from carrying on in your head.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

While there have been – or still are – many painful times for you, you CAN come out of this stronger and wiser because of all you’ve endured.

In life there is pain that is destructive, but there is also growth  pain – pain that enables us to become stronger and more competent.  By learning to manage and master the pain following divorce – you will develop a coping skill that is central to living life.  As a result of your stronger and stronger coping skills, you realize that you are still whole and that you will continue to live a full life. …and even to love again, if you desire.

I want to assure you that the numbness, the emptiness that you experience when your marriage disintegrates is perfectly normal, and for that matter, very appropriate.  You are in a state of grief!

Be aware, too, that if you were involved in your marriage for a number of years, the degree of these emotions that you are experiencing is likely to be intense.  Add this to the fact that you have not yet developed coping skills, and the emotional pain can reach the level of  shell shock!

It all seems almost insurmountable, I know.

……The most important thing right now is to be able to act and react to situations reasonably – to motivate yourself to go through your daily routines.  You need to continue to function while you are going through the successive stages of healing – don’t just pull yourself away from life and stay stuck, hoping that –in time- this pain will fade.

You need to confront the pain; you must start moving yourself through it.  You have to experience it ‘head-on’; work your way through it by understanding it.  This learning turns pain into a growth experience – truly it does!

By the way, trying to lessen the pain by denying it can damage more than your emotional health.  When your life is filled with emotional pain and you don’t deal with the feelings that go with it, your body has to find other outlets.

We all know about mind-body connections.  Medical studies have shown that the stress created by unresolved grief and depression can weaken the body’s immune system, making you more susceptible to illness.

Although it may sound counter-productive, I am encouraging you to “feel your pain”.  I say this because I know it will be the key to your development of a sense of well-being.  I know you can do it.  It won’t last forever — and I promise that it will all be worth it!

Judy Smith is a coach whose 3-step program enables a divorced woman to create a fulfilling new life – in months, not years. Visit Judy Smith Divorce Coach to learn more. Judy says,”I would like to give you whatever advice and encouragement you feel you need.” For a complimentary 20-minute telephone session, contact her at Judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com

Hanging on to the past is probably one of the biggest obstacles most people have in healing and recovering from divorce.  By hanging on to personal possessions, you are in essence hanging on to the tattered remains of your marriage.

Divesting yourself of any reminders of your previous life is a great way to “wipe the slate clean” and get a fresh start after your divorce.  Any meaning from the personal mementos will only serve to hold you back, a reminder of where you’ve been – distracting you from where you want to go.

While divorce is an “end”, it can  also be a new beginning.  However, to make a fresh start, you must first work on healing the emotional wounds caused by divorce.

Ignoring the pain is NOT the key to healing!  A great way to illustrate this principle comes from my athletically gifted daughter.  She played basketball when she was in high school and in one game, she twisted an ankle while playing.  Instead of acknowledging the injury, (and possibly missing a game) she decided to “grit” through the pain.  As she walked, she favored that ankle because it hurt and as a result, she “walked funny”.   A few days later, she started having knee pain IN THE OPPOSITE KNEE!

It turns out that by trying to pretend nothing was wrong with her ankle, she put unusual strain on the knee of the opposite leg.  When she finally resigned herself to using crutches for a week, her ankle was able to heal and she avoided knee injury by using the crutches.

The same applies to you with your divorce.  If you try to pretend you haven’t been wounded – you’ll put strains on other areas of your life.  Take time to devote to healing those emotional wounds.

Finding healing after divorce is a personal journey.  It takes courage and strength to navigate this journey to divorce recovery.

One great resource to help you on  the path to divorce healing and recovery is Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends.  The book is based on over 200 interviews and 13 years of counseling experience.  Psychologist Sandra Kahn has written the first guide to offer help to women whose unresolved issues keep them emotionally bound to their ex-husbands, even years after a divorce is final.

In Coping with Divorce: Change Your Brain -Change Your Life, I talked about how changing the way you think is a first step in the process of self-management.  Now that we know you can change your brain, we know you can change your thinking by consciously using different (specifically worded) phrases to solve problems and achieve goals you might never have thought possible.  Psychologist, Shad Helmstetter first labeled the concept ‘Self-Talk’.  Later, he developed a program based on it.

Unfortunately self-talk is not a quick solution.  New self-talk must be repeated over and over until it becomes a habit – until you don’t even notice that you’re doing it.  Self-talk is usually done silently; however, repeating self-talk phrases out loud can be helpful as well.

Since self-esteem plays a huge role in our lives – let alone in helping us build new lives, I’ll give you some examples of a self-talk program geared to  increasing self-respect.

The best way to get into the habit of using the right words and phrases is to use a practice script.  Helmstetter gives examples:

• I am a very special person.  I am intelligent.  My mind is clever and fun.
• I am an interesting person.  I like to be around other people, and other people like to be around me.  People like to hear what I have to say.
• I appreciate all the blessings I have.
• I am warm, honest and sincere.  All these things are me.  I’m glad to be me.

In selecting the specific words for your program, decide on your goal and use words that describe how you would choose to be.  Your new self-talk will ultimately replace the ‘old program’ in your head.

Re: self-esteem,  consider your fresh self-talk as the new model of you that you are giving yourself!

When you first start out on a self-talk program, you will need to use your script for a number of weeks.  You must get to know it well.

I have found it helpful to write personal phrases on note cards.  So that you can practice the phrases over and over (Remember: the thoughts need to become habitual), I propose that you carry those cards around with you – in a pocket or purse, in the car, on your nightstand, and in any other spot where you are likely to see them multiple times each day.

Say the phrases out loud whenever you can.  Silently, read the words written on the cards.  Think the words quietly to yourself.  Make a tape of the new self-talk phrases and listen to the tape over and over again.

Helmstetter suggests reading the phrases out loud while looking in the mirror.  “Read the phrases rapidly and forcefully, he says.  Let this be one of your new ‘motivational pep talks’ you give yourself!”

We have learned that if we want to change our lives in different ways, we must first change our thinking about those ways.  …..You can learn to think of yourself as a strong woman – a woman moving on to a new stage of life.  You can learn to take control and create your future.

So – no matter how distraught your divorce has left you right now – just imagine where your belief in yourself could lead you tomorrow!

I would like to lend whatever support and encouragement you want or feel you need.

For a complimentary 20-minute telephone ‘strategy’ session, just contact me for an appointment: Judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com  I do look forward  to speaking with you.

For more information on the Self Talk Solution, pick up a copy of the book.

{Helmstetter, Shad, Self – Talk Solution, Simon and Schuster, Inc. New York, New York, 1987.}