There is a story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

“Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.  ……..”We’ll see,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. …… “We’ll see,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg.
The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. …..”We’ll see,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by.

The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. …..”We’ll see” said the farmer.

When I first heard this story I thought we could think of divorce as the horse.  Better yet, consider a husband as the horse!  When we divorce our husband(s), we think that’s bad.

Then, the women I work with begin to develop new lives, and the next thing they know they have (pick one or more): a new career, supportive friends, interesting outside activities, new interests to pursue, things they love to do, and more.  Those things are good.

Sometimes a client finds that her ex is in a relationship with the woman he was with during their marriage.  That is bad.

Then I help that client realize that she no longer has to put up with her ex-huband’s bad behavior. That is good.

Another client finds herself in a constant struggle with her ex over the divorce, money, and lists of other things.  That is bad.

Through the struggle, my client begins to realize how strong she is.  That is good.

My point here is that when life comes up with something “bad”, try to say “We’ll see…”  You might be surprised how the “bad” can actually turn into the “good”!

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations

That’s like putting yourself in the spin cycle!

I’m not minimizing what these women are thinking in the least.  I actually refer to the spin cycle when I’m with them, and they laugh.  Because the truth is, we’ve all been there, and sometimes it takes someone else pointing it out in a humorous way to realize that we got stuck there.

When we are working through a painful or emotional experience, it’s actually worthwhile exercise to run the gamut of the other options and choices we could have made. We get to indulge our need to travel those different paths and the possible outcomes if we’d chosen them. And considering the options can even provide some release.

But when it goes beyond an exercise and into a thought-loop, we’re in trouble. You aren’t going to be able to change the past, or change the decisions you made. And if you could, who’s to say that the outcome you imagined would actually be any different, or any better for that matter?

When we get stuck in coulda, shoulda, woulda, we haven’t made our peace with what was, which allows us to live today with what is. When we’re stuck in that thought-loop,  we’re trying to express emotions we haven’t come to terms with yet – for whatever reason.

In truth, it’s just plain difficult to work through emotions we’re experiencing, and reach the other side of them! I have worked with many women who describe it as remaining ‘lost’. They have a destination in mind of where they would like their life to be, but they have no idea how they’re going to get there.  The good news is that I have coached these women through many forms of emotional agony and have helped them get to a point where they no longer reside in those feelings of defeat.  They are proof, so to speak, of the fact that you can get the defeat and begin to live again.

Let me share with you what I have found over and over again in working with women who are stuck in coulda, shoulda; they feel overwhelmed. And that sense of overwhelm makes them feel weak. That feeling of weakness then colors their perception of all areas of their life: everything has a negative connotation attached to it, and nothing feels like it is in their control.

This in turn becomes that spin cycle. It can be so difficult to break free from it.

Here’s a tip to help in this situation: When you feel yourself “spinning”—reach out and “grab something solid”. You can do this by taking those thoughts, writing them down, and reframing them into something different. Use your journal to work through it.

1)    Acknowledge that the event happened.
2)    Write down your feelings attached to the event.
3)    Go ahead and express what you coulda, shoulda, woulda—and the possible outcomes that may have occurred.
4)    Put words to how you feel the event and the associated emotions are impacting your life today.
5)    Elaborate on how the past had possibilities, but so does today and tomorrow—which you can take care of now.

By writing it out and analyzing your particular thought-loop situation, you will actually be taking away a bit of its power over your thought process. You can quit spinning and start living, moving forward with the experience you’ve gained through the process.

Let me know how it works out for you!

For more good tips, delivered to you directly, sign up for my newsletter: www.judysmithdivorcecoach.com.  When you subscribe you will also be entitled to a free copy of my Special Report – that describes different strategies for divorce recovery and how several clients applied them in their own situations.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Q:  My wife and I have separated after 25 years of marriage. She keeps stressing that she wants an amicable divorce, yet I just can’t do that. I can’t get past the anger, resentment, or hatred for her for destroying everything that my life revolved around. I just can’t let it go. What do I do?

A:  We have been discussing your question for days because it so clearly demonstrates the pain of divorce – and we wanted to make sure any answer we gave didn’t just sound like the pat answer, “go to counseling” – although, ultimately, that might be the right answer because a counselor will be able to help you navigate the emotions you are feeling.
We understand it sometimes takes time to get to where you even want to feel better. In the beginning, if you feel wronged, it’s not uncommon to be stuck in how wrong the other one was, and that you have a right to hate the other person.

But being right doesn’t make you feel better. In fact, it probably makes you feel worse because you absolutely cannot understand how someone you loved so completely ended up being so selfish and insensitive.

Recovery after a break-up is a process, not unlike recovery from addiction, because getting over a painful break-up takes time. As is the case with working toward sobriety, while the decision to get clean is often empowering, the process is long and hard. Some days are good and some are bad, which is why the “one day at a time” philosophy applies so well to coping with a break-up. Looking too far down the road can feel overwhelming – and that’s where it sounds like you are right now.

One of the most important things as you go through the process is to put on a stable face for your children (no matter their age) and for your colleagues at work. This does not mean you should act like nothing is wrong, but that you should not come off out of control. Your actions should say that the people who depend on you, can still depend on you, even though you are no longer living under the same conditions you did for years.

“Finally, when you are ready”, the counselors say, “we are confident counseling will help.”

……And I would like to add: engaging in divorce coaching at this time will be a major step on the road to a fulfilling new life after divorce!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

1. Defuse anger by listening.
2. Identify where you can help.
3. Walk away or end the call if you can’t handle the anger.
4. Limit what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
5. Boost self-esteem through assertiveness training.
6. Deal with each issue separately.
7. Don’t take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally.
8. Stay calm. It’s not your anger.
9. Learn to recognize your own hot buttons.
10. Try a little compassion – even if it’s hard.
11. Hear the pain, shame or fear behind the anger.
12. Refuse face-to-face contact and screen calls if you sense any danger.

Note in each instance, be it your anger or the other person’s, yesterday’s and today’s lists indicate you should work on your own trigger(s) and be able to identify your own “hot buttons”.  Knowing where your anger lies will help you to quit “reacting” so frequently.

Both lists contain great tips and advice about how to deal with anger through your divorce.

And remember…
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

1. Write it out where only you will read it.
2. Shout it out where only you will hear it.
3. Talk it out with a friend, therapist or support group.
4. Take responsibility for your part in the breakup.
5. Identify what triggers your anger.
6. Think before you respond.
7. Keep children out of the conflict.
8. Hold conflicts at a moderate level.
9. Choose your battles carefully – let the small stuff go.
10. Express how you feel rather tossing out accusations.
11. Acknowledge how sad you are.
12. Forgive, let go, move on.

Triggers are important to identify. A “trigger” or “hot button” is something that may “set you off” about a situation or a person.  What is it about the divorce, itself, that makes you the angriest?  If you can pinpoint a trigger, then you can hopefully work through your anger much quicker.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

What you think is what you feel
How are you feeling today?  Unless you are suffering from seasonal allergies, a cold virus or a sprained ankle, chances are, you’re feeling the way you’re thinking.

This means, you may be affecting how you feel overall by what’s playing inside of your head. For example, let’s say you are experiencing a high level of anxiety associated with your divorce. Many women are concerned about their ability to manage their finances. It becomes a recurring thought that weighs on you, inducing anxiety in response, as you ponder all of the different scenarios—some plausible, some not.

And how does that anxiety manifest itself?

You may feel wiped out. Your thoughts may feel like a passel of puppies running around inside your skull. You feel like your nerves are sitting on the edge of your skin.

This reaction has been triggered by your own thoughts—especially the ones that have taken on a life of their own.

When you experience feelings of anxiety, or you feel run-down, or you find yourself getting angry a lot, examine what has been going on in your head recently. What thoughts have been given center stage? And with the story that’s playing on that stage, what are you having those characters say?

Teasing apart the words that you are using can shine a light on how you’ve been feeling, so write down those words. For example, the words you’re using could sound like this:  “You can’t manage this home by yourself. People will think I’m pathetic if I fall flat on my face.”

Now, pass them through the Test of Truth. Have your friends specifically stated these words to you? More than likely not. Do you have solid evidence that you can’t manage your home?  Again, more than likely not.

Every day, you are writing and reciting scripts within your head, and these scripts can become loops that play endlessly. Just as you memorize a foreign language by hearing it over and over, these scripts can also become memorized through repetition, until you begin to take them for the literal truth.

Here’s a strategy for the next time you find yourself feeling poorly with no physiological basis to account for it: step back and listen to the script playing upstairs. Write it out. Are you finding any repetitive catch-phrases? How are you wording the dialogue? If you are hearing a lot of “can’t” and “won’t,” you will need to play devil’s advocate for yourself: argue with those thoughts, and challenge them to offer proof of their truthfulness.

Once you’re done playing devil’s advocate, now you can play supportive friend. Offer kinder, gentler words to be used—just the way you would if it were a close friend who was struggling with their thoughts. If your friend came to you and said, “I’m incapable of handling the least little repair…” you would sympathize with them, and then look for a positive example of something they’ve successfully handled. In essence, you’ve helped their thinking process latch on to something positive to build upon.

Look for opportunities this week to be your own best friend.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Divorce can sometimes become so overwhelming that it threatens to sabotage all aspects of life, including career.  To maintain your professional life despite your personal issues, you need to prioritize things at work.  Here are three quick tips from experts.

1. Keep your divorce private. Avoid telling anyone at work unless they need to know for business reasons. “Keep your personal life to yourself. That will make it much easier to leave your divorce stress out of the office,” says Tina B. Tessina, a licensed psychotherapist.

2. Separate work life from home life. “When you get in your car at home, shut the car door on the divorce — give yourself that drive time to escape the divorce problems, ” Tessina says. “When you leave work, shut the work door on work problems, and don’t take them home. If you compartmentalize like this, you’ll get some relief and your problems won’t overlap.”

3. Consider cry breaks. By lunchtime, consider taking a 3-minute cry break, says LeslieBeth Wish, a psychologist. “Go into a bathroom stall or go sit in your car and have a little cry. Crying out your hurt rids your body of stress toxins.”

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Author and speaker, Doug Billings has studied for the Catholic priesthood and earned two degrees. He refers to himself as a “wounded healer” and has shared examples and insights of how he overcame mistakes in his own life in his effort to help others heal.  Doug begins here with some pretty direct divorce advice.

Not wanting to beat around the bush — if you want to move beyond the pain of your divorce, two things are required: Compassion & forgiveness.

It’s all too easy to go to war and destroy more of each other’s lives. Don’t look at this moment as a time to go for the jugular, demanding huge settlements. Be fair and compassionate. —By the way, you’ll feel better too.

Forgiveness is no easy task – especially if you are the one who was left. But it is essential to offer it if you ever hope to love fully again. Refusing to offer forgiveness kills love.

The first step in offering forgiveness is to recognize why it’s required. Don’t hide behind statements like “It’s all his/her fault!” Divorce rarely happens because it is solely one person’s fault. Acknowledge your part in the divorce situation. Acknowledge your ex’s part in it. Let both parts percolate through you. Own them. Do not ignore them. Scream and shout about them (to yourself). Express your anger and hurt over them. Cry over them.

Soon, you will find a stunning revelation – you are not only able to forgive but you earnestly want to forgive! Out of the taking ownership, screaming & shouting, expressing anger and crying over the reasons, a transfiguration within occurs. One moves from being closed off and refusing to forgive because we mistakenly think by doing so we are punishing the other person – to the correct realization that only by forgiving we stop punishing ourselves and become able to move beyond pain and towards loving again.

Once both compassion and forgiveness are combined, you will notice calm coming forth from the pain of your current situation and your heart will be fertile for love again.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Researchers studied 8,652 people aged between 51 and 61, some who had remained married to the same person, some who had separated, divorced or been widowed and others who had never been married.

The results of the medical examinations showed that those who had remarried or previously been married experienced “significantly worse” health than the continuously married.
Professor Linda Waite, co-author of the study, explained:
After a relationship has ended the single-again person is not taking care of themselves. “You’re eating poorly, you’re not exercising. You’re sleeping terribly. Then your social world, of course, especially in the case of divorce, suffers. You lose half your friends and your in-laws.”

If you are experiencing the stress and strain of a break-up, however, Professor Waite had some advice: “If you take care of yourself, and let those around you take care of you, you can minimize the damage.”
Take these words to heart.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Suddenly, you may find yourself lashing out in anger about things that before, wouldn’t have caused even a hitch in your day. Afterward, you may find yourself embarrassed or even a little shaken by your uncharacteristic response.

No one likes to feel out of control. And, this “new” way of reacting to situations doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it. (Or with the embarrassment that follows.) I’m going to share with you a strategy you can use each time you feel that fire-breathing dragon trying to take over, and it’s a strategy that can become your natural response.

1.    Know your triggers.
Think about the past few times you’ve been angry. What was the situation you found yourself in? Was it a certain person, a certain place, or specific recurring event? Is there a time of day where you find yourself more likely to get angry?

2.    Develop an early-detection system.
Once you have an idea of what triggers your episodes of anger, get in touch with how you feel just as you sense you’re about to blow. Do you tense up? Does your face become warm? Do your hands clench?

Once you are in touch with what can trigger an anger outburst and recognize your tell-tale physiological signs that the outburst is about to happen, you’re then ready to diffuse the reaction before it explodes.

3.    Step back.
You may physically or mentally step back from a trigger situation. You could say to yourself, “Stop! 2, 3, 4…” and try a little smile. First, you’re smiling because you’ve already taken control of the situation. Second, a sense of humor can’t hurt when it comes to diffusing a tense situation—even within yourself. Also, a smile brings about a different physiological reaction than a frown or grimace. As for saying something like “stop,” you are halting your attention with a simple, prepared command, giving yourself a momentary reprieve for the next step.

4.    Relax.
This is another point where an actual quiet, but strong self-command, “Relax!” can help you calm yourself enough that you have a chance to react differently to the situation at hand. You have heard the saying, “Cooler heads prevail”? Those adages are wise for a reason: they speak the truth.

5.    Breathe deeply.
Draw in a steady, deep breath. This is the mind-body connection at its best. Your body takes its cue from your mind, or more accurately, signals from your brain. If you find yourself breathing in shallow fashion because you’re getting angry, it’s no wonder your body is tensing up. Your natural fight-or-flight response is kicking in. However, you’re not in mortal danger here. You’re just looking for a better way to respond to an anger-inducing situation, and a relaxing breath helps you to do it.

6.    Imagine your way to calm.
As you breathe in deeply, let the air out in a steady, controlled manner. Imagine with each breath that you are reducing the fire in your belly, blowing cool air on it. This is a good imagery exercise for you to practice each day, multiple times a day. It’s a useful skill that you can use time and time again. And, once your body has been trained to relax with this simple ritual, it will respond naturally when faced with future moments of crisis.

Don’t bottle your anger. Find ways to diffuse it so it’s not pent up inside of you. Practice this strategy until you find your response to those old anger-inducing situations to be one of complete calm and cool-headedness. You have the strength to manage emotion and channel it in healthy ways.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”