Q:  My wife and I have separated after 25 years of marriage. She keeps stressing that she wants an amicable divorce, yet I just can’t do that. I can’t get past the anger, resentment, or hatred for her for destroying everything that my life revolved around. I just can’t let it go. What do I do?

A:  We have been discussing your question for days because it so clearly demonstrates the pain of divorce – and we wanted to make sure any answer we gave didn’t just sound like the pat answer, “go to counseling” – although, ultimately, that might be the right answer because a counselor will be able to help you navigate the emotions you are feeling.
We understand it sometimes takes time to get to where you even want to feel better. In the beginning, if you feel wronged, it’s not uncommon to be stuck in how wrong the other one was, and that you have a right to hate the other person.

But being right doesn’t make you feel better. In fact, it probably makes you feel worse because you absolutely cannot understand how someone you loved so completely ended up being so selfish and insensitive.

Recovery after a break-up is a process, not unlike recovery from addiction, because getting over a painful break-up takes time. As is the case with working toward sobriety, while the decision to get clean is often empowering, the process is long and hard. Some days are good and some are bad, which is why the “one day at a time” philosophy applies so well to coping with a break-up. Looking too far down the road can feel overwhelming – and that’s where it sounds like you are right now.

One of the most important things as you go through the process is to put on a stable face for your children (no matter their age) and for your colleagues at work. This does not mean you should act like nothing is wrong, but that you should not come off out of control. Your actions should say that the people who depend on you, can still depend on you, even though you are no longer living under the same conditions you did for years.

“Finally, when you are ready”, the counselors say, “we are confident counseling will help.”

……And I would like to add: engaging in divorce coaching at this time will be a major step on the road to a fulfilling new life after divorce!

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

What you think is what you feel
How are you feeling today?  Unless you are suffering from seasonal allergies, a cold virus or a sprained ankle, chances are, you’re feeling the way you’re thinking.

This means, you may be affecting how you feel overall by what’s playing inside of your head. For example, let’s say you are experiencing a high level of anxiety associated with your divorce. Many women are concerned about their ability to manage their finances. It becomes a recurring thought that weighs on you, inducing anxiety in response, as you ponder all of the different scenarios—some plausible, some not.

And how does that anxiety manifest itself?

You may feel wiped out. Your thoughts may feel like a passel of puppies running around inside your skull. You feel like your nerves are sitting on the edge of your skin.

This reaction has been triggered by your own thoughts—especially the ones that have taken on a life of their own.

When you experience feelings of anxiety, or you feel run-down, or you find yourself getting angry a lot, examine what has been going on in your head recently. What thoughts have been given center stage? And with the story that’s playing on that stage, what are you having those characters say?

Teasing apart the words that you are using can shine a light on how you’ve been feeling, so write down those words. For example, the words you’re using could sound like this:  “You can’t manage this home by yourself. People will think I’m pathetic if I fall flat on my face.”

Now, pass them through the Test of Truth. Have your friends specifically stated these words to you? More than likely not. Do you have solid evidence that you can’t manage your home?  Again, more than likely not.

Every day, you are writing and reciting scripts within your head, and these scripts can become loops that play endlessly. Just as you memorize a foreign language by hearing it over and over, these scripts can also become memorized through repetition, until you begin to take them for the literal truth.

Here’s a strategy for the next time you find yourself feeling poorly with no physiological basis to account for it: step back and listen to the script playing upstairs. Write it out. Are you finding any repetitive catch-phrases? How are you wording the dialogue? If you are hearing a lot of “can’t” and “won’t,” you will need to play devil’s advocate for yourself: argue with those thoughts, and challenge them to offer proof of their truthfulness.

Once you’re done playing devil’s advocate, now you can play supportive friend. Offer kinder, gentler words to be used—just the way you would if it were a close friend who was struggling with their thoughts. If your friend came to you and said, “I’m incapable of handling the least little repair…” you would sympathize with them, and then look for a positive example of something they’ve successfully handled. In essence, you’ve helped their thinking process latch on to something positive to build upon.

Look for opportunities this week to be your own best friend.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

I ask you to try and take into consideration the fact that you are not alone.  Divorce is everywhere. Divorce takes place in all cultures.  The article below was written by Zainol Abideen, a Muslim, Malaysian author and president of the Muslim Bloggers Alliance.  I think this article is an interesting one – not because I wish you to seek solace in the notion that ‘misery loves company’, but because the article speaks to the universality of divorce and how to handle it.

Is there life after divorce? Depends…
A subject that not many would want to dwell upon but which is a sad reality affecting many all around the world.

In today’s materialistic world, many couples live a strained life, devoid of true love and compassion.  As a result, domestic squabbles, and even violence, takes place almost daily in the lives of couples who got married, not really due to love,but to circumstances: a marriage of convenience, a marriage born out of pity, a  marriage due to forced pregnancies, a marriage that is arranged, a marriage to strengthen family or business ties.

When we speak about divorce, many suffering spouses fear to cross that line because they have become so dependent on their beaus – to such a stage that they can’t imagine living life all alone.

Some spouses abuse their partners so much that they resort to physical abuse. Some drive their partners nuts to such an extent that the suffering victims border on the verge of a mental breakdown.  I myself lived through such a marriage and I confess to almost losing my mind due to the tremendous pressure and mental agony that only those who are in similar situations can imagine.

In our Asian society, suffering couples often put up a show that all’s well, when in reality raging tempests drive them nuts within the walls of their homes. Sometimes I come across cyber friends and contacts who confess to me of the abuse that they are going through at the hands of their husbands or even wives.

When I divorced, I surrendered whatever little property I had and started a new life from scratch. I started my new life with just a given shirt on my back. I am blessed to have met my match in my wife now, who has been a pillar of support, love and care beyond words.

The question arises:  Is there life after divorce?
The answer: Depends. Whether you have it in you to re-establish your life once again.  Learn not to repeat the same mistakes and avoid falling into the same old traps and quagmires out there.

We can’t change yesterday, but we can make a change tomorrow.  Get real and decide as to whether you want to suffer for the rest of your life or start life anew.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

One of the greatest deterrents to being able to ‘face the music’ of divorce is the loss of self-esteem. The person who has lost identity in a non-supportive marriage, or who entered marriage already in that state only to have it go from bad to worse, often has no idea how to move to higher, safer ground. All too often, lack of self-worth in one or both partners keeps a pathological union in place.

The need for a crutch in these situations may be very real and even necessary. When that happens, it’s time to seek-out wise, unbiased friends, (who may be hard to find), and/or a good counselor to provide some much needed support and direction. If things have gone way past reconciliation, then someone to help steer the ship through troubled waters could make all the difference.

This is a guest post by Judy Smith. Judy specializes in helping women create a new life after divorce. She uses experience and skills acquired over a lifetime to help divorced people transform their lives. Get the personalized help you need by joining her Divorce Coaching Club. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

Choosing happiness
Getting from divorce, the bottom step – to happiness, the pinnacle of the climb, starts with your determination to not think like a victim.  Motivational expert Stephen Covey says, “Between what happens to us and our response is the power to choose our response.”  Happiness doesn’t depend so much on what happens to you, but on how you choose to deal with what happens to you.

Change Your Thinking; Change Your Life
To be sure, the divorce recovery process takes time.  However, if you can consciously change your way of thinking you will gradually begin to picture yourself in a new way, and ultimately, be able to reinvent yourself.  Then you will be in control and thus, can take your life anywhere you choose.

How To Do It
Begin control of your thinking with a view of your thoughts – not as you – but as an inner voice gliding through your head.  In that sense, you are a listener, not     the voice itself.  As the listener, you can shape the nature of that negative voice and choose to listen to a more positive one.  It’s a process.

The Three-Step Process

1. First, identify the thought; that is to say, become aware of what you’re thinking.
2. Next, figure out the nature of the thought.
3. ‘Argue’ with yourself.  Give yourself alternative thoughts to counter the negative ones that cause you pain.

Example -
Identify the thought:
After a divorce some women begin to think, “I’m not worth much, or “I’m not worth anything”.

Identify the nature of the thought:
The name of the process in this case is Filtering …..focusing on negative aspects and filtering out positive ones.

‘Argue’ with yourself
—that you have positive traits as well.  For instance, you could think,” I may not be so young and carefree now, but I sure have a lot to offer!”

Example -
Identify the thought:
“My life is awful now that I’m alone.”

The nature of the thought:
This process is called Polarized Thinking.  Here, things are black or white; good or bad, etc. There is no middle ground.

Argue with yourself
–by thinking in percentages.  For instance, “Actually, about ¾ of today was all right.  Only about ¼ of it was problematic.”

Example –
Identify the thought:
“I can never balance my checkbook!”

The nature of the thought:
This process is called overgeneralization.  In this case, one reaches a general conclusion based on a single incident, or just a few incidents.  It comes down to exaggerating the frequency of particular problems.

Argue with yourself
– by asking for evidence.  Think, “How many times have I actually not been able to do it?”

OR

“What do you mean ‘never’?  There are very few absolutes in life.”

Example –
Identify the thought:
“They didn’t invite me to the dinner party because they’ll be uncomfortable, or think I’ll be uncomfortable as the only single in the group.”

The nature of the thought:
This process is virtual mindreading.  In these cases you have certain knowledge about how people think and feel about you without their ever saying so.

Argue with yourself
-    that to know the real reason, you’d actually have to check it out.  Instead, you might think, “Perhaps they didn’t invite me because there was no more room at the their dining room table.”

Example -
Identify the thought:
“At this point in my life, it’s impossible to find a job; I have no experience.”

The nature of the thought:
This process is called, Magnifying.  It means exaggerating the intensity of a problem.

Argue with yourself
- by recognizing that you have many transferable skills.  You could look at it this way, “I am an intelligent woman with lots of life experience.  I need to find a way to focus on those in a job search.”

Example –
Identify the thought:
“I know a woman should certainly not ask a man she knows to introduce her to one of his friends.”

The nature of the thought:
This process is one of a classic, “Should’s” or Shouldn’ts.  Here you have a list of rules about how you and others should act.  You feel uncomfortable or guilty when you break your ‘rules’.  You often become angry when others break your ‘rules’.

Argue with yourself
- by giving yourself an alternative thought, “He might not know that I’m interested in meeting other men now; I can ask him to introduce me to one of his friends.”

Wouldn’t it be a relief to be able to think positive thoughts, instead of all those depressing ones?!  …That’s why I focus much of my work on the six inches between the left ear and the right ear.  –  Change your brain, and you change your life!

©2008 Debra Gordy. All Rights Reserved.

I remember it well – my first Christmas after my divorce from my children’s dad. I dreaded it coming.

Not only were my two young daughters going to be with their father that first Christmas, I was going to have to see him at school and family events.

I worried. I stressed. I fussed.

I tried to figure out some way to get out of attending those family gatherings. For my children’s sake, I couldn’t. I always knew that for my children to achieve the best adjustment they possibly could to the changes in their family, I had to figure out a way to get along with him as their dad, even though we were divorced. So I made myself go, and made myself get through those family times, even though it meant interacting with him and his new partner.

Those were some of the hardest things I did, as a young, newly divorced mother. I remember coming home feeling exhausted, with a raging headache, which is a sure sign of stress for me. I also got a really bad cold that year; thinking back, it was probably induced by the worry and stress.

I remember feeling nervous, uncomfortable and ill at ease, not knowing how to interact with him, how to respond to meeting his new partner, or how to support my daughters in having a fun time, when I definitely didn’t think I would!

Well, I got through that first Christmas season post -divorce, and many others since then. Along the way, I learned some things about how to do so with grace and poise, while keeping my sanity and dignity.

Here are three tips that helped me, and hopefully will help you too.

1. Take care of yourself during this highly emotionally charged season.
   Your self care plan ideally should include how you will care for yourself on all levels of your being – spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, including your other relationships and financially. Having a plan will help you feel more inner control in your life, in an otherwise uncomfortable and for many, unnatural, situation.

   Having and following a plan that supports and replenishes your well being on all levels, will give you inner reserves of strength, balance and peace that you can draw upon during otherwise stressful events and situations. . . .
   
   

2. Remember that so much of your children’s well-being is connected to yours.
   That is why the first thing I teach divorcing parents about how to help their children cope with their parent’s divorce, is to take care of themselves. When you take care of yourself and your needs are met, you are much better prepared and able to meet your children’s needs, which many times are increased by the experience of your divorce. . . .
3. Create and follow a plan for holiday family events themselves. . . .

If you would like to learn more from my recommended plan for divorced women for getting through the holiday season with less chaos and struggle and more joy, I invite you to join my readers’ circle and subscribe to Creating Joy! The Relationship e-Newsletter.

This free monthly publication is full of timely inspiration and practical help for creating more happiness and fulfillment in your life and relationships, and for creating the marriage of your dreams. Subscribe to Creating Joy! The Relationship e-Newsletter.

Author bio: Debra Gordy specializes in assisting divorced women to end their relationship problems for good, get off the Relationship Roller Coaster and onto the path of creating a happy, successful and lasting marriage. As a Transformational Relationship Therapist and Coach, teacher and author of the forthcoming book, Cinderella Wisdom: Five Secrets for Creating Your Dream Marriage in the Real World, she has helped thousands of women and couples to achieve the marriage of their dreams. To learn more, please visit her website: www.CinderellaDreamsComeTrue.com.

Divorce Recovery Holiday Edition Tip #1:  Choose which Memories to Cherish

Part of the celebration of holidays and anniversaries is looking back and reminiscing about the past.  It’s up to choose how you view holidays and anniversaries of the past.

Chances are, the last holiday with your ex was filled with stress and tension.  If the holidays weren’t filled with stress and tension, it was only because what ever was bubbling underneath the surface had yet to surface.  Perhaps your spouse was already plotting his/her exit from the marriage – but smiled and played hte role of faithful spouse.  Perhaps it was all coming unraveled then and you knew it.

but it’s possible that you won’t be remembering THAT holiday.  Instead, your mind will wander back to better days, when your relationship was good and the future was bright.

It’s YOUR choice!!!  You choose which memories to replay as you celebrate the holidays!

Divorce Recovery Holiday Edition Tip #2: Starting New Traditions

Instead of looking back, maybe this is the year you begin celebrating the holidays with new traditions.   Your “clean slate” means you now have permission to discard the holiday traditions that either never worked for you or are too painful to continue.

Maybe this is the year you decide to join your friends in a cabin in the mountains?  Maybe this is the year you volunteer in a holiday outreach program?

Make this is the year you create a new cherished tradition as part of your divorce recovery process.

One typical “stress relief prescription” is to “get away from it all” and go on vacation.   There’s no better time to plan your dream vacation.   Even if you’re only able to arrange a weekend away, you need this time to regroup and reconnect with yourself.

This is YOUR time, a time for reflection and introspection.  The past months have been filled with the stress of divorce proceedings, and this is your time to decompress.  Perhaps you’ve forgotten who you really are, deep inside.  If nothing else, your time away is an escape from all the memories you’ve left at home.

If time and money prohibit a full blown weekend away, then schedule a day at a local spa.  Get a massage, a manicure and pedicure.  Be pampered!  You deserve it!

Don’t underestimate the amount of emotional stress you’ve been under as you transition from married life to single life.   This may be a great time to pick up yoga, meditation, and other relaxation techniques.

Starting a daily walking regime is also a GREAT way to make time for yourself AND get the stress relieving benefits of mild exercise as well.

The few hours after a butterfly emerges from it’s cocoon are when it is most fragile.  As you make the transition from married to single, the period of divorce recovery is when you’re emotionally fragile too.  It’s so tempting to fill your spare time with clutter to “keep your mind off” of things you don’t want to face.

There’s a term in self help circles known as “eating a frog”.  Eating a frog is when you’re facing a task you don’t want to perform, but you know you really SHOULD do.  Expect for “frogs” to appear as you spend time reflecting as you recover from your divorce.

I want to tell you, though, there is an element of hope in all this trauma.. You can do something about those negative emotions – you can counteract them.

Let me explain.

Until very recently, neuroscience had determined (or thought they had determined) that once we reached adulthood, our brains were ‘fixed’, so to speak. Science thought that -by then- our behavior patterns were in place, and that’s simply ‘who we were’. But, in only the last few years, we’ve come to realize that this view is inaccurate. Actually, the brain is a plastic organ.

You can change your brain!

These new findings are indeed exciting. Since the brain is plastic, it means we can change it to think differently about the effects of divorce; learn how to grow beyond it; and get ourselves to a place we like- if not love.

The industrial giant Henry Kaiser once said, “If you change your thinking, you may experience a radical change in your emotions and your entire outlook on life.” That’s a pretty powerful statement – don’t you agree?!

Changing your thoughts is a matter of talking to yourself ( literally) in ways that create more ‘life’ in your life. And, here’s another powerful statement: The decision to program yourself with words that cause problems vs. words that give you confidence and a sense of well-being is entirely up to you! That thinking is your self-talk. Self-talk is simply how and what you direct yourself to think and do. The irony of this simple fact is that most of us have never learned to think about self-talk at all!

Self-talk, then, is the route to changing your thoughts. A motivating factor comes into play here: Changing your thoughts about your feelings is the first step to overcoming the emotional obstacles that are confronting you now. Changing your thoughts is the first step on the path to a new life.

Constructive self-talk phrases are simply positive ones – like:

• “I can do it-just watch me!”
• “Today is a good day”
• “I’m in control!”

I would ask you,

“What kinds of self-directions are unconsciously in control of your life right now?”

It’s important to become aware of these limitations because once you are aware of them, you have a chance to do something about them.

For now, why not give some conscious thought to how much your unconscious beliefs may be limiting you.